When I'm not working, I buy things online. I window shop. I watch advertisements. I daydream about being a lion. I eat at restaurants. I'm almost like a normal person. And because I'm so normal, I notice things that need improvement. Major improvements. Things that really need to be addressed. Here are those things...
1. Restaurants
Servers - Once I'm seated at my table, you have a three minute window to come and greet me and take my drink order. I'm being more than generous with this three minute window too, honestly it should be more like two minutes. Don't blame it on the hostess either. You need to pay attention. Eating out is expensive and the societal pressure of every patron having to add an extra 20% to the bill, that goes straight into your pocket should be all the incentive you need to show a little hustle out there. Your tips should be earned, not expected. Maybe take fewer fucking smoke breaks and spend more time out on the floor. Check on your tables. FREQUENTLY! Seriously, walk by every few minutes and ask a simple question, "Is everybody good?"
I don't see why that's difficult for some servers to grasp. Especially with 90% of the money they earn being entirely contingent on the customer's satisfaction. The average table isn't that needy anyway, all you have to is refill a drink every once in a while, and maybe bring out some extra napkins or something. But it's hard for your table to communicate their needs with you, if you're never fucking around.
Worst case scenario: a table complains about you approaching them too frequently.
and I highly doubt that would warrant any disciplinary actions from management. No ones ever gotten fired for being overly attentive. 
2. Fast food
It's incredibly annoying when fast food restaurants ask you to pull forward because your food isn't ready, especially when no one is behind you. Especially when there's no one else in the drive-thru or inside the restaurant and you're literally the only customer there? And it's not like You're chauffeuring a Greyhound bus full of sumo wrestlers. You're one person, ordering one meal, often during slow, off peak hours and yet still, you're asked to pull forward. Then a minute later someone comes out with your food. I'm not fooled by that bullshit. I know what they're doing. They're juking the stats. They're fixing the drive times. Now the system thinks I got my food in a minute and a half when it really took two and a half, or that it took two minutes when it really took three. They do this enough times, and they get a good grade on their Drive-Thru report card, and the GM loves it. Oh, that guy is probably jizzing all over that report. We're so fast and efficient! Great work team! I'm probably going to get a small bonus now. You fuckers won't get shit, but I might. Then the report goes to corporate and some big wig sees it, and he jizzes all over it as well. Then he says, "Great work, Johnson! That's the best report card in all of district 4! That's top notch customer service, great job!
Yeah, but is it? Is it really?
Maybe it's not. Maybe it's bad customer service. Maybe you accidentally asked someone to pull forward before they had a chance to ask for barbecue sauce, and maybe now they're having an anxiety attack because they're going to have to ask for it when their food is finally brought out. And sure it's the employee's job, and they're supposed to do that sort of thing, but you're too hungry to deal with a confrontation like that. Not to mention, it should be a given that you wanted barbecue sauce. Who the hell orders chicken nuggets and doesn't dip them in barbecue? Terrorists? No, not even them. Kim Jong-Un may be a douche, but you can tell that dude enjoys food. I'm sure the last time he was forced to eat dry chicken nuggets, people were probably killed.
You know this dude loves him some chicken nuggets.
But you just keep hoping that the person who brings you your meal looks like they'd be a cool person. The type of person who wouldn't sweat an extra walk for barbecue sauce, but then you see them walk out the door with your bag of food, and all your hopes are crushed, because they look unpleasant as shit. They look tired. Like they're in the last twenty minutes of their shift and can't fucking wait to chain smoke a pack of Virginia Slims and soon as they clock out.
Plus they're old, and appear to have lost all their will to live. Imagine Bea Arthur, only less attractive. Like, Bea Arthur, if you didn't already know her as Dorothy from "Golden Girls"
Because let's face it. Once you watch the show, she starts to grow on you. At first she doesn't seem to be that great, but once you learn how laid back, and witty, and strong willed she is, you're perspective on her starts to change. She took care of her mom, and her autistic friend Rose. Plus, she put up with that insufferable twat, Blanche. Dorothy Zbornak was a saint. Sure she wasn't the type of chick you could live out any dark sexual fantasies with, but she was definitely a chick you could settle down with. Cuddle on the couch with. Watch Wheel of fortune, do a crossword puzzle. Go to bed at 8:30, after she makes you a Reuben, and gives you a Zantac. Dorothy was awesome. But she also wasn't real, and if you take away her comedy writers, and the studio audience, and everything else that made Dorothy tick, you'd have regular ass Bea Arthur. Who doesn't seem very pleasant at all. Instead she seems like the type of person who would give you a dirty look when you ask for barbecue sauce at Wendy's on Mid Rivers a couple of weeks ago. Wait a minute, is Bea Arthur still alive? No, right?
RIP BEA
3. Retail
You get asked a lot of questions working in retail, many of which, you won't know the answer too. Mainly because people ask ridiculous questions. Trust me, I know from experience. I had a lady flag me down once near the dog food, to ask me what kind of dog food was the right kind of dog food to feed to her dog. I then spent the next ten minutes trying to explain to her, that even though I work at an establishment that sells dog food, I am not if fact a veterinarian. We sell golf clubs too, but unfortunately I can't help you correct your swing. A large majority of the questions you'll receive in retail, can be easily answered by doing what the customer was too lazy to do in the first place, called reading the fucking box!
Why yes, these cookies are gluten free. And you'll never guess how I know that.
For the harder questions, just save everyone some time, and admit that you don't know. There's no shame in this. Home Depot employees excel at this. As soon as you walk in a Home Depot, an associate approaches you to ask if you need assistance, and this guy usually has no clue how to help. Instead he plans on tracking down another employee with hopes that they can help, and sometimes a third employee needs to be brought in as well. I had that happen once. After the second guy didn't know, all three of us found ourselves wandering the warehouse looking for Tony from plumbing. I eventually relieved them of duty,
"This doesn't seem like a three person job fellas. I appreciate your assistance, but I have decided to locate Tony from plumbing on my own. First, I will find the plumbing department. Then I will look for a man wearing an orange apron who responds to the name Tony. I'm about 85% sure I can do this."
And as it turned out, Tony was very helpful. Also, he smelled like pepper jack cheese, which only made me appreciate him more. I was glad that I found the answers to the questions I had, and don't fault the first two guys at all. At least they were honest with me. Sure it might be irritating when it seems like no one at the store knows anything, but nothing sucks more than having to make a second trip, and return something because you were misinformed the first time.
It's usually pretty easy to detect bullshit, and nothing is more annoying than listening to someone who clearly doesn't know what they're taking about. Case in point, the trip I took to Best Buy a few months ago.
Best Buy guy: Hello sir, can I help you find anything?
Translation: My boss makes me ask you this.
Me: No, I found what I was looking for. Thank you, though.
Translation: Go the fuck away, please.
Best Buy guy: Ok, well do you have any questions?
Translation: I think I'm smart.
Me: Umm, yeah ok. Do you know anything about these headphones? How are they?
Translation: Let's see how smart you are.
Best Buy guy: Oh yeah. Those, those, umm, the Plantronics. Yeah, yeah. Those are good.
Translation: I have no idea what I'm talking about. None.
Me: Ok. ( picks up another box, and begin comparing two brands)
Translation: I'm done speaking to you, so I'm ignoring you now. Please walk away.
Best Buy guy: Oh, yeah. Those are good too. Both of these are good. I like these better, but both of them are good.
Translation: I'm just going to continue to recommend anything that you appear to be remotely interested in, to make it seem like I know my stuff.
Me: Ok man. Thanks, I got it from here.
Translation: You couldn't have been less helpful if you tried. You've deliberately wasted my time, and i hope you get shampoo in your eye the next time you wash your hair, and it burns really bad.
This dude approached me. If didnt ask for help. He actually sought me out, then tried to bullshit his way through the whole thing, when all he really needed to do was say, "Sorry man. I don't know."And he should've used that as a learning experience, so that the next time he'd be asked, he'd know. Fucking douchebag.
4. Cashiers
Listen, I know your job is boring as shit, and making conversation helps pass the time, but no one wants to spend twenty minutes checking out. So do everyone a favor and try to multitask. If you can't tell a story and ring up items at the same time, then I'm going to stop the conversation, and advise you to focus on your work. This is very basic multi-tasking by the way. It's not like I'm asking you to ride a unicycle while juggling, or hula hoop while juggling, or write a blog while wishing you knew how to juggle. If you can't find bar codes on items while mindlessly commenting on how unseasonably warm it's been, you need to step your game up. I don't like small talk anyway. I only do it for your benefit. I prefer medium talk. Like, hey it's super windy out, right? Do you know how to juggle? Also what's your stance on abortion?
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