Dumb person: Cats are stupid.
Me: Why are cats stupid?
Dumb person: I don't know, they just are.
Me: Valid point. I've never thought of it that way before.
I've actually had that conversation before. It's baffling to me. How can anyone be so misinformed? Cats are awesome, and they're much better than dogs.
Here's why.
1. Cats are cleaner
Have you ever seen a dog bathing itself? Of course you haven't. They're incapable of this function, and while I've never personally given a dog a bath, I have seen the movie Beethoven, so I know it's not a pleasant task. Cats spend hours grooming themselves. The worst thing that can happen with them is that they cough up a hairball. It's not just the fact that dogs aren't clean either, it's that they dislike being clean. They despise it. They'll go out of their way to make themselves dirty. If there's dirt in your yard, they'll find it. If there's mud in your yard, they'll find it. If there's a pile of aborted baby fetuses in your yard, they'll find it, and roll around in it, and track it all over your carpet. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get aborted baby fetus residue out of your carpet? You're going to need to hire a professional carpet cleaning company for that task. It's just too much. Advantage cats
2. Cats keep you safer
Here's a hypothetical for you; An axe murderer breaks into your house with intentions to slice your head off, chop you up in a bunch of little pieces, and eat all your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. But you're safe, aren't you? Your dog will protect you. It's bark alone is enough to scare off an actual intruder, right?
But here's the thing, how often do axe murderers break into your house? I'm willing to bet very rarely if ever. How often does Fed-Ex show up at your door though? UPS? Pizza delivery man? Girl Scout selling cookies? How often does someone walk past your house on the sidewalk? How often does a leaf fall off the tree in your front yard? Your dog goes nuts at all these things. Their feeble brains are unable to distinguish the mailman from an actual imminent threat. Dogs will bark the same amount at a cuddly little bunny rabbit, as they would at Freddy Krueger. I've lived next door to my neighbors for 5 years, yet every time I go in my backyard, their dog barks his ass off at me like it's his first time ever seeing me. Doesn't it become a boy who cried wolf sort of thing after a while? What good is an alarm system that constantly malfunctions? Don't you just wind up yelling at your dog to shut up and lay down, without even checking to see what they were excited about to begin with? Break-ins don't just happen at night. There could be someone crawling through your basement window right now, yet you instead attribute the dog's incessant barking to the fact that the microwave timer just went off. You wouldn't be prepared for this kind of sneak attack in this instance. You'd be completely vulnerable. You wouldn't have time to get to your gun safe, you'd be dead before you could say, "Hey Fido, quit shitting on the floor!"
Here's another hypothetical for you;
An axe murderer breaks into your house. He sees your kittens. He breaks an aww fuse in his brain because they're so fucking cute he can't stand it. He takes a shoe lace out of his boot, and dangles it in front of them. They play with it for twenty minutes, and it's fucking adorable. The axe murderer suddenly has a change of heart. He decides that he no longer wants to kill people. He's going to try to get a job at Petco instead. He leaves your house with a new outlook on life, and stops off at the store to buy his own Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Yeah.... That's a hypothetical I could live with.
Advantage cats.
3. Cats are friendlier
Imagine meeting someone at a party for the first time, and they didn't even stand up to shake your hand. Instead they just sort of kept their distance, but as time progressed, they slowly became acclimated with your presence, and by the time you left, you had a nice conversation with them. That's how cats operate. They're introverted. They're a little shy at first. It takes a little bit for them to warm up to you, but once they're comfortable with you, you're going to have a good time with your new best friend.
Now imagine going to a party and meeting someone for the first time, and before you can even introduce yourself, they pick you up in a bear hug and swing you around the room. Then they set you down and begin sloppily dousing your face with their disgusting tongue that smells like they've spent the last few hours eating aborted baby fetuses. Jesus Christ, you think to yourself, this guy is tightly wound. Then as you help yourself to the finger platters, your new friend just stands there watching you eat, begging for some of his own. Eventually the homeowner has to calm him, and tell him to chill out and lay down, and you're finally free to mingle with the rest of the party. That's how dogs operate. They always have to be in the mix. They have ADHD, and severe cases of separation anxiety. Basically they're either barking because they're happy to see you, or they're barking because they think you're a threat.
If you leave the house for 10 minutes, your dog may lose their shit, both literally and figuratively. Cats shit in a box of sand. You could leave them alone for an entire day, they'd be alright. But dogs are man's best friend. There's no denying that. If you have a dog, there's a good chance that it would take a bullet for you, because your dog thinks you're god, and he will follow you until the day he dies. Dogs are followers. Cats are leaders. And I don't know about you but I'd rather be friends with a leader than a follower. I mean, would you rather hang out with Fonzie or Potsie? Zack Morris or Screech? Regina George or Gretchen Weiners? Exactly. Advantage cats.
Listen, I'm not saying dogs suck. They're OK I guess. Some of them can do cool tricks. I mean, Air bud was pretty talented. By the way, remember the movie they made where Air Bud was a pitcher? Lols, a dog playing baseball. That was hilarious.
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