McDonalds... They're doing it right

Morgan Spurlock can make all the documentaries he wants. That's not going to deter me from eating fast food. It's too fast and it's too good. So what if French Fries are bad for you, I need greasy food to soak up all the alcohol in my body. That dude ate nothing but McDonalds every day for a month, and I felt bad for him. Not because he ate fast food for that long, but because he only ate McDonalds. There are way better options out there Morgan; Jack n' the Box, Wendy's, Burger king, just to name a few. The only reason McDonalds is an acceptable choice is because they're doing it right. Every store seems to have some kind of structure to it. The manager appears to be happy and doesn't look like he's about to kill himself, and they're always appropriately staffed with people who take showers and shave consistently.

A lot of other Franchises are hit and miss. Have you ever been to a Burger King and the chick taking your order looks like Courtney Love's younger less attractive sister, with a cold sore that she touches  before handing you your change. Then the guy making your Whopper isn't wearing gloves, and has dreadlocks with no hat or hairnet on. On top of that, he is smoking a cigarette and scratching his balls at the same time.

Yeah, so that was an exaggeration, but you get the point. A value meal these days will run you in the upwards of the $6-$7 range, and it would be nice if the people preparing your meal were following protocol. If the rule is that a batch of fries are only good for two hours, then don't serve them after two hours. That's all I ask.  I don't want my fries that I eat for lunch to be cooked while I'm eating breakfast. What is it that I'm eating for breakfast you ask? I don't know, probably fries.

It happens all too often that I'm at one of these establishments, thinking to myself, "Man, I wish I could just jump over the counter and make my food myself."
I don't trust these people to not mess this up. Like, if I ordered a 5-piece chicken tender, and there were only 4 currently available, they would probably just scoop up that one tender that they dropped on the floor earlier, instead of making a new batch. Just make me some fresh tenders, you dickheads. I don't mind waiting, I've done it before. They ask you to pull forward, even though there is no one behind you. As long as there is some sense of urgency to get me my food, then it's fine. Just don't forget about me though, and leave me waiting there for fifteen minutes like a fucking idiot, meanwhile car after car behind me are pulling up to the window and getting their food in a timely fashion. Then they all drive by me with their windows rolled down, smugly staring at me while stuffing their faces with fries. "Damnit" , I'll say to myself. "That van had like 6 kids in it. How is it easier to pack a half a dozen Happy Meals, than it is to bring me my chicken nuggets?"

On the other hand, getting your food to quickly raises some suspicions. Taco Bell seems to excel at this. I'll order my food, then drive around, and they're already holding my bag out the window. There was nobody in front of me. I haven't even payed yet. How the hell did they get my order ready so quickly?  Jimmy John's is even faster. I've never placed a delivery order, but apparently all you have to do is dial the number, and the driver shows up almost instantaneously. It doesn't matter where you are. Even if you're on an airplane, he'll just show up somehow with a sandwich, even though you never actually got a chance to make an order. How the hell did they know what I wanted? How did they know I wanted anything at all? Maybe I was just calling to ask what time they open on Sunday. Quit being so presumptuous Jimmy John's. By the way, how the hell did you get on this plane without a boarding pass?  Something about this doesn't quite add up.

Everybody wants their food to be fresh, but nobody wants to wait that long to get it, and they want their meal the way they ordered it. No lettuce means no lettuce, and if I ask for hot sauce, then put some fucking hot sauce in my bag. It's a toss-up, and some stores just never have their shit together, and those are the ones to avoid. Mcdonalds just seems to be the most consistent in the industry, and that's what I like about them. Not their annual McRib mindgames, or their over the top unintentionally racist commercials. Black people don't dance around their living rooms while eating chicken mcnuggets, or maybe they do. I don't know. It's been a while since I've seen Tyler Perry's "Meet the Browns".

At least they are offering healthier menu options now. Even though going to McDonalds for a salad is like going to a rehab clinic in Las Vegas. At least Mcdonalds is trying though. Hardees would find a way to mess it up. They would probably deep fry the romaine and add 6 pounds of bacon to it. They'd call it the "Big Bacon Salad" ,  and debut it in a commercial with Kate Upton eating one while wearing a bikini in a steam room. Oh, so that's how she keeps her figure. Apparently the best way to market a cheeseburger is to give everybody boners. Well played, Hardees.

I'm not saying you have to eat at McDonalds. Eat wherever you want. Just don't be one of those dickweeds that try to sue McDonalds for making them fat. How about a little accountability in your life. McDonalds didn't make you fat, just like Grand Theft Auto didn't make your kid steal a car. Your kid stole a car because you're a terrible parent. I hate it when video games and musicians get blamed for tragedies. Marylin Manson got scrutinized after they discovered that the Columbine shooters listened to them. Why was anyone surprised by this? Of course they listened to Marylin Manson. They were psychopaths, and that's the kind of music that psychopaths listen to. I doubt that they were normal level-headed kids that heard "Beautiful people" for the first time, and then decided, "Hey, let's go kill everyone we know."  What if it had been a Hall & Oates cassette tape they found in the shooter's car. What then? The detectives working the case would've been like, "Well, clearly these two boys just heard the song Rich Girl one too many times."

I couldn't mention the song and not post a clip for it. I know you wanted to hear it anyway.