Despite the fact that this movie won't be released for another year and a half, I am going to go ahead and review it now. I feel I can adequately sum this film up without actually seeing it. It will be in 3D, because that's what Hollywood does, when they know they have a shitty movie. Also, Micheal Bay will name the turtles after stars from the X-Games, instead of Renaissance painters like the original did, because Micheal Bay is a douche.
Our story starts with the 4 turtles living in New York City. They mingle with the public on a daily basis. No one suspects a thing though, because they all wear hats and trench coats, which somehow conceals the fact that they are all indeed giant alien turtles. The gang take down small time misdemeanor criminals in their free time, when they're not stalking mega-hot news anchor April O'Neil. April O'Neil is kidnapped by the Foot Clan, and the turtles immediately wage war on the Foot, in order to get April back.
Michealangelo or rather Shawn White engages in a battle with a dozen members of the Foot. Shawn White doesn't have nunchucks, but he does shoot laser beams out of his eyes. The laser beams strike the Foot clan and cause them to explode for some reason. They are either robots or cyborgs, or something. I don't know. It's never really explained.
Tony Hawk (Leonardo) takes the April O'Neil kidnapping harder than anybody. He is in love with April and this is illustrated throughout the movie with Tony Hawk having flashbacks of him and April frolicking in a meadow, or dancing together in slow motion, while the same John Mayer song plays in the background. Without his true love April, Tony Hawk goes off the deep end and begins implementing his own vicious brand of vigilante justice on the city. He murders a man in cold blood for parking in a handicapped spot, because...... Well when you're a ninja alien turtle, you can pretty much do whatever the hell you want.
The turtles clash with the Foot clan throughout the duration of the film, with extreme over-the-top unnecessarily long fighting sequences. Their nemesis Shredder, who is played by the talentless Vin Diesel makes his first appearance about halfway through the movie. Due to a clause in Diesel's contract, there is a car racing sequence between him and Travis Pastrana (Donatello) that lasts a half an hour, and has no bearing on the plot whatsoever. At the end of the car race scene both cars explode, while Shredder and Travis Pastrana escape by soaring out of the wreckage at the speed of light with super-powered jet packs.
The Turtles are all lured into an abandoned warehouse by fake invitations to a grand opening of a new sushi bar. Did I mention that the Turtles don't eat pizza in this one? Micheal Bay, why are you so terrible? Anyways, after a predictable 20 minute battle sequence with the Foot Clan, the Turtles emerge victorious and rescue April. The movie then ends and you wonder out of the theater with a dissapointed look on your face and a half eaten box of Snocaps, because you lost your appetite.
Obviously, I'm not very enthused about another childhood classic being remade, but I will make an exception on one condition. If the following people are cast as these characters, I will gladly pay for a ticket on opening night.
SPLINTER
PLAYED BY EDDIE GRIFFIN
KRANG
PLAYED BY DANNY DEVITO
THE THING THAT HOLDS KRANG
PLAYED BY BULL FROM NIGHT COURT
BEBOP AND ROCKSTEADY
PLAYED BY THE ROCK AND TRIPLE H
I would actually look forward to this movie if these people were in it.
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