I'm convinced by now that this dude plants subliminal messages in his horribly written songs, that trick females into thinking he's some kind of a heartthrob. That's literally the only explanation I can come up with.
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| This is really what he looks like? |
Camping
I get it. Sitting outside on a nice summer night can be relaxing, which is precisely why man invented the deck. Central air, sofas, and Netflix are also relaxing though, which is precisely why decks are attached to houses. Our ancestors used to camp outside. Notice how they found a way to fix that? I guess being constantly bit by Mosquitos and chiggers while sleeping on the hard ass ground surrounded by dirt and spiders and snakes and shit, wasn't all that appealing after all. Sure you can get a great view of the constellations on a clear night at the campgrounds, but you're also far more susceptible to fall victim to an axe murderer. Haven't you ever watched a horror movie? I watch them all the time, in my living room, indoors, inside my house. Fuck camping.
Vaping
Look closely at this iconic image of James Dean. What do you see? Well, besides the awesome jacket, devilishly handsome hair, and soul piercing eyes. Notice how he's not vaping like some kind of doucher? That's because James Dean was cool. He was a rebel without a cause. He flew by the seat of his pants, and lived by his own rules. Don't lose track of that. Remember when you started smoking? Wasn't it because a cooler kid offered you a cigarette and you reluctantly accepted, but then you caught a glimpse of yourself in the reflection of a car windshield, and thought to yourself, Damn I look cool? Of course you did and you were right. You did look cool. Nobody looks cool vaping. Nobody. But cigarettes, cigarettes make you look cool. That's undeniable. Eventually though, everyone should quit. Unless you want to be the 80 year old guy at the retirement home eating through a hole in your trachea freaking out his grandchildren. If you do decide to quit, do it in the tradition of my day after thanksgiving breakfast. Cold Turkey. Don't start vaping. It's just as unhealthy for you as cigarettes, and while I have no proof that this is actually true, I do know this. Smoking makes you 80% more likely to develop lung cancer, but vaping makes you 100% more likely to be a giant toolbag. Whatever you do, just remember WWJD D. What would James Dean Do?
The Walking Dead
This is especially tough for me because the show used to be so good. Season 1 was amazing. Season 2 wasn't as good, then Frank Darabont left, and AMC got greedy, and began to milk the franchise for all that it was worth. Entire episodes with 3 minutes of actual action began to occur on a weekly basis, and it was too unbearable to continue watching. It was clear that AMC knew they had a hit and just wanted to stretch it out as long as possible. The whole conflict with the governor could've easily been like 4 episodes, but instead they just dragged everything out, and the slower things happen on the show, the more you start to dislike everyone on it. Rick gets increasingly more annoying every episode. Carol is the worst. Even Daryl got lame. Remember how he chastised Bob for relapsing into his alcohol addiction. I'm like, Motherfucker it's the zombie apocalypse, what better time is there to drink? One thing is for sure. Watching a group of post-apocalyptic survivors wander around aimlessly, looking for supplies, getting momentarily sidetracked by a group of zombies, killing the zombies, eventually getting the supplies, and finally going back to camp, gets old after you watch it 4 or 5 dozen times.
Kim Kardashian
Whoever had the idea that this gutterslut should be the new "It" girl in Hollywood should be punished by having to watch her show. That fucking show. I made the mistake of watching it for 90 seconds, 5 years ago, and it still haunts me to this day. Imagine having to be in the same room as Kim and her two ho-bag sisters, wouldn't that be horrible? No wonder Bruce Jenner chopped off his dick. Why is she famous anyway? Because she made a sex tape with a dude who's only slightly relevant because his sister used to be Moesha? At least Paris Hilton did everyone a favor and sort of just went away. Meanwhile I can't walk by a magazine rack without being reminded that Kim exists. Enough is enough Kim. Please go away.
Going to the Zoo
Close your eyes. Think about the last time you went to the zoo. Open your eyes. Were you thinking about pushing around a stroller while kids everywhere around you were crying, either because they couldn't see the chimpanzees or they did see the chimpanzees and realized now that they're afraid of chimpanzees? Was your own kid so preoccupied with eating $9 Cotton Candy, that they sort of just quit paying attention to the animals? Did it make you wish you just stayed at home and Googled images of the different animals on their tablet instead? Was it super crowded? We're most of the animals hiding or sleeping? Did the ones that weren't hiding or sleeping draw such a big crowd that you couldn't see them anyway? Did you get bumped into a bunch by stupid, fat people? Did the entire place smell like shit? Close your eyes. Try to forget the last time you went to the zoo.
White Castle
I'll give them credit. They know their demographic, and they know how to appeal to them. Harold and Kumar go to White Castle was a genius marketing campaign when you think about it, but what does it say about the quality of your food when the only people who eat it are impaired in some way. When was the last time you saw a car in the drive-thru at White Castle when the sun was up? Drive by at midnight though, and the cars are wrapping around the building. A DUI checkpoint in any White Castle parking lot on a Saturday night would be so successful the jails would overcrowd. I just don't see why their shitty food becomes so enticing after a night of partying. There are plenty of restaurants that are open 24 hours. Jack n' The Box, Steak n' Shake, Wendy's, all these places serve good food. Why opt for some inferior mini burgers when you could have decent tasting regular size burgers with good French fries. That's another thing. Crinkle-cut fries? Really, White Castle. There's a hierarchy of fries here. It goes.
Curly Fries
Waffle Fries
Regular Fries
Actual Potatoes
Crinkle-Cut fries
Nice job serving the worst kind of fries ever White Castle. I'll give you credit for one thing though, your chicken rings are OK. So...good job I guess.
Going to the Zoo
Close your eyes. Think about the last time you went to the zoo. Open your eyes. Were you thinking about pushing around a stroller while kids everywhere around you were crying, either because they couldn't see the chimpanzees or they did see the chimpanzees and realized now that they're afraid of chimpanzees? Was your own kid so preoccupied with eating $9 Cotton Candy, that they sort of just quit paying attention to the animals? Did it make you wish you just stayed at home and Googled images of the different animals on their tablet instead? Was it super crowded? We're most of the animals hiding or sleeping? Did the ones that weren't hiding or sleeping draw such a big crowd that you couldn't see them anyway? Did you get bumped into a bunch by stupid, fat people? Did the entire place smell like shit? Close your eyes. Try to forget the last time you went to the zoo.
White Castle
I'll give them credit. They know their demographic, and they know how to appeal to them. Harold and Kumar go to White Castle was a genius marketing campaign when you think about it, but what does it say about the quality of your food when the only people who eat it are impaired in some way. When was the last time you saw a car in the drive-thru at White Castle when the sun was up? Drive by at midnight though, and the cars are wrapping around the building. A DUI checkpoint in any White Castle parking lot on a Saturday night would be so successful the jails would overcrowd. I just don't see why their shitty food becomes so enticing after a night of partying. There are plenty of restaurants that are open 24 hours. Jack n' The Box, Steak n' Shake, Wendy's, all these places serve good food. Why opt for some inferior mini burgers when you could have decent tasting regular size burgers with good French fries. That's another thing. Crinkle-cut fries? Really, White Castle. There's a hierarchy of fries here. It goes.
Curly Fries
Waffle Fries
Regular Fries
Actual Potatoes
Crinkle-Cut fries
Nice job serving the worst kind of fries ever White Castle. I'll give you credit for one thing though, your chicken rings are OK. So...good job I guess.
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