1. Don't leave your cart in the middle of the crowded aisle at the store, so your fat ass can get a free sample. This causes a major traffic jam behind you, as no one can get through. Then don't go back to your cart and push it three feet forward, before stopping again so you can shamelessly stuff your fat face with hummus and pita chips. There's fucking people behind you! Move!
2. Get off your fucking phone when it's time to check out. It's rude to the cashier.
3. If you're paying with a check, for the love of god have it ready to go. It should be half filled out before you even get your total. Don't just stand there like a fucking moron for 6 minutes, watching the cashier scan and bag up all your shit before then deciding, Oh I better fish through my 10 gallon purse now for my antiquated payment method. Hope I can find it. Maybe it's underneath my pager next to my atlas. It's 2015 bitch. Let's go.
4. If you put a refrigerated item in your cart and later on decide you don't want it, fucking put it back where it goes. If you're too lazy to do that, then find a store associate and they can put it back for you. Don't just dump it off by the fucking bread, you dumbass. That's more of a waste than the oxygen that you breathe.
5. Put your fucking cart back in one of the ten designated cart corrals after unloading your groceries. Don't be lazy and leave it in your parking spot when you drive off. Why would you do that? A minor gust of wind can push that thing right into the side of someone's brand new car. Don't make someone else pay to have a dent removed because your mother couldn't afford to abort you.
6. Pay attention when exiting the parking lot. Remember, pedestrians have the right of way. Also get off your phone while driving. Texting is reserved for red lights only. No one should have to be in danger, so you can tweet about how you hate Mondays.
7. Use your fucking turn signals!
8. For the love of god, Accelerate on the On-Ramp. We're about to merge with 65mph traffic and you're going fucking 40mph. Let's try to speed it up a little and not cause a completely unnecessary clusterfuck ahead, please.
9. Tip your pizza delivery men. They depend on tips. Remember you had an option here. You could've placed a carry-out order, but you were too lazy to leave the house. Don't try to justify not tipping by referring to the delivery fee either. That fee goes straight to the gas tank, and most of these guys don't get paid by the hour at all. So, don't be a dick. If you don't want to tip, cook a Digiorno. You don't have to tip for a Digiorno, because it's not delivery. It's Digiorno.
10. Servers also depend on tips. The standard rate is 15%. This means you received adequate service. It wasn't fantastic by any means, but it also wasn't an experience that caused you to create a Yelp account, simply to rant about the bitchy look, your server gave you when you asked for a refill of your Diet Coke. This percentage can fluctuate, depending on your level of satisfaction. If you were blown away by the staff's proficiency, and professionalism, you reserve the right to tip as generously as you want. Likewise, if you viewed your waiter as profoundly incompetent, you may want to give less. There are also cases, when you may not tip at all, but those are extremely rare. That's like when the delivery boy runs over your dog, or the waitress throws up in your Chicken Alfredo. The point is, if you're eating out you need to be prepared to tip. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to eat out. Stay home and have a PB&J... Or cook a Digiorno.
11. Ladies, the hover method is not nearly as effective as you may think. I've had the unfortunate pleasure of using an unisex restroom after a woman who hovered. I don't know what's worse. The fact that she was so grossed out by the notion of actually sitting on a toilet seat that she just kinda sprayed everywhere, or the lack of empathy she showed to everyone else by not cleaning up her mess. Here's a quick diagram that illustrates the proper way to use a latrine. Jesus Christ, I can't believe this is necessary. There's a reason everyone says women's restrooms are worse than men's.
12. Guys, don't peek through the cracks of the stall doors in the bathroom. Just stop it. If you see feet at the bottom of the door, then it's safe to assume that a whole person is in there taking care of business. You don't need to peek through the crack to verify that it's not just a pair of feet in there. It's bad enough when one has to resort to deucing in a public restroom, you should never have to look up and make eye contact with someone through the door while shit is literally coming out of your butt. It's a super uncomfortable experience.
13. Old men at the gym. We're not nearly as comfortable with your naked body as you seem to be. Some of you, I suspect don't even work out. You just show up and hang out nude in the locker room. Just once, I'd like to walk to my locker to grab my jacket without being subjected to an old hairy set of balls. I once saw a butt naked guy standing in front of the mirror shaving, completely dry, with a towel sitting next to him on the counter. Old guys are always just standing around naked, cracking jokes with each other. It's ridiculous. Enough of your childishness. This isn't game night in Father O'Leary's basement. This is a gym. This is a place of business.
14. Make sure you come to a Subway with a game plan. You should really know exactly what you want the second you set foot in the door, but even if you're not 100% sure, you've got time to decide while you wait in line. Don't wait until the person behind the counter asks you for your order, and then freeze up like a little bitch. Have you ever even eaten a sandwich before? Don't start asking questions about the different kinds of breads, and whether or not certain meats are gluten free. All of us in line behind you are trying our hardest to keep calm, but on the inside we're seething with rage. Most of us are on our lunch breaks, are in a hurry, and know exactly what we want, but we can't get out of there yet, because it's taking you six minutes to decide if you want banana peppers or not. Even the Subway worker is annoyed with your dumbass, and is fighting off the urge to ask if you want a drink and a bag of dicks, Ahem... I mean chips. We all hope you choke on your banana peppers.
15. While watching your son/daughter's little league game, just relax and enjoy it. Don't be the guy who argues every single strike call with the 16 year old umpire. It's just a tad bit unreasonable. Especially considering your own son is in left field right now eating worms. He doesn't give a shit about the game. He just wants to go home and watch cartoons. And while you're up against the chain link fence screaming at a bunch of ten year olds about how they really need to turn this double play, every single other person on the bleachers is praying that you get hit in the head with a pop fly, or have an allergic reaction to the peanuts, or get picked up by your parole officer. Anything to get your dumb ass to shut the hell up so the rest of us can enjoy the game.
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