Full House Reunion???

By now I'm sure you've heard. Rumors are swirling about, that a possible Full House revival is in the works. Be ready to Have Mercy as all original cast members with the exception of Lori Loughlin (Aunt Becky), and the Olsen twins (like anyone gives a fuck) are reported to be signed on to the project. Seeing as how Full House was one of the greatest shows in the history of history, I'm really excited about the possibility of this actually happening. I'm not sure how it's going to play out, or what the Tanners are going to be up to 20 years later, but there are a few things I'm kinda hoping get addressed.

 Joey Gladstone was obviously a pedophile

What kind of middle aged man with no kids watches cartoons all day? I'll tell you who, the same kind of man who lives alone in a windowless basement with a ventriloquist dummy. Mr. Woodchuck was nothing more than a ploy to get close to small children, without raising any suspicions.

Take a good look at this guy. Would you let your child anywhere near him?

Ranger Joe? More like, Stranger! No! 

I'm not sure why a seemingly intelligent man like Danny Tanner would allow such a miscreant like Joey to live with him and his daughters in the first place, but it's pretty clear that Joey had Peter Pan syndrome. And while he had one hand in his pocket and the other hand in Mr.Woodchuck, you oughta know that in real life, Dave Coulier was statutory raping 16 year old Alanis Morrissette. All this time you just thought Dave Coulier played a creep on TV, little did you know he was one in real life too. Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think? 

DJ made a big mistake by dumping that rich dude Nelson.

By season eight DJ had completely grown out of her awkward phase and was what kids in the 90's would refer to as a total babe. With her new-found hotness came many gentleman suitors. There was Steve the paperboy, bad boy guitarist Viper, and then there was Nelson. Nelson was kind of a nerd but he was also  extremely wealthy.

This is Nelson

 It was never explained why or how this 17 year old kid had so much money, but he was loaded. He even hired Franki Valli to come to the Tanner residence and serenade DJ. If that's not a keeper, I don't know what is. Nelson could have given DJ anything she ever wanted, but because she couldn't choose between him, and that beefcake Viper, she broke it off with both of them. A few weeks later she rekindled with her old flame Steve, and let's face it, Steve was a fucking loser. The dude had very little potential, and no aspirations whatsoever. He's probably still delivering newspapers, meanwhile DJ sits at home all day in their studio apartment, reading about Nelson in Forbes magazine. 

Where's Gia been? What's Gia up to? I gotta have more Gia

Ok, so I get it. Gia was kind of a bad influence on Stephanie. She invited Steph to her first make-out party. She was there when Stephanie smoked her first cigarette. When Steph participated in her first gang-bang, who do you think was holding the camera? Gia was a rebellious soul, but I'll be damned if she didn't make the show interesting. 

Have you ever tried crystal meth, Steph?

For this reboot to be a success, Gia will have to be a regular character. She'll help fill the void left behind by the absence of Aunt Becky, and could even serve as a love interest for Uncle Jesse. Sure there's a bit of an age gap between them, but Jesse Katsopolis is a rock star. Plus the man ages extremely well. Even at the age of 51 the man is still as tasty as a serving of Dannon Oikos authentic Greek yogurt.

Have Mercy!