Noah

Chances are, if you believe in God, you no longer will after viewing this movie. Not because of any convincing arguments made for or against Christianity, but rather because it's tough to imagine any godly figure allowing a movie this horrible to exist.

The protagonist Noah, who according to biblical scriptures was born in Mesopotamia (present-day Iraq) is naturally played by, Yep you guessed it... Russel Crowe. This is perhaps more of an egregious casting error than Jim Caviezal playing Christ in "The passion of the Christ". How the hell is Aziz Ansari's agent missing out on signing him for these coveted roles?

Hi, I'm Aziz Ansari

It takes place around year 2900 BC on the countryside where 400 year old Noah lives with his extremely feminine son Sham, his defiant son Ham, and his hot wife Pam. I'm just kidding, her name is Nyeemah or something weird. Jennifer Connelly plays the role of Noah's wife, which is somehow less believable than Crowe playing Noah. Connelly is simply too hot to play a chick from that era. I find it hard to believe that any chick could look that hot,  thousands of years before Mary Kay came onto the scene. I mean Jennifer Connelly is like a 9 according to the present day hotness scale. Who knows what she'd of been back then. Probably a IX.

Anthony Hopkins plays Noah's grandfather, Methuselah. Who at age 900, looks pretty good. I mean, I don't know how these people aged so gracefully without the aid of Olay regenerist cream and Fish Oil, but back then 900 was the new 60.

Hi, I'm Methuselah. I'm 900

After having a vision during a pretty serious acid trip, that there will be a great flood, Noah convinces his family that they need to build an ark. Noah faces a lot of backlash from the heathens, and finds himself being protected by a group of fallen angels called "The Watchers" who after being rejected from heaven, turned into some stupid ass looking giant rock people. 

This is what the watchers looked like.
This is seriously what they looked like

Despite being incredibly stupid looking, the watchers proved to be super good ark builders. They wind up doing 90% of the work, and with little help from Noah, the ark is eventually completed. Two of each animal in the world then migrate from all over the globe, to join Noah and his family in what had to have been the nastiest smelling structure in the history of history. Predators and prey alike, sharing a vessel with one common goal... To not drown. 

Director Darren Aronofsky, the man behind perhaps the most depressing movie of all-time in "Requiem for a dream" makes you sad again with Noah. Sad for him. Sad for Russel Crowe. Sad for the people responsible for the horrendous CGI, and most importantly sad that you wasted 2 hours watching such a despicable piece of garbage. 

Would I recommend the movie Noah? 

No, Uh I would not.