Obesity, Alyssa Milano and Gym etiquette

Fast food restaurants out number gyms 20 to 1 according to the statistic I made up just now. This is an alarming ratio that is undoubtedly the cause of this country's obesity epidemic. Obesity....that's our biggest health concern. Some starving kid in Ethiopia is thanking his lucky stars right now because he found a saltine cracker in the dirt. Meanwhile we have so much food that we hold competitions to see who can eat the most. Did you hear Joey Chestnut ate 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes?

This is the face you make when you eat 68 hot dogs

 



The same starving kid in Ethiopia once ate a copy of "Good Housekeeping" because it had a picture of a hot dog in it. Where did he get the magazine in the first place? I don't fucking know, but this kid is hungry. He needs food. That sad infomercial with Alyssa Milano says you can help with just $0.30 a day. How the hell did they figure that? A value meal these days cost like $8, and that's just one meal. Everyone knows there are at least 5 meals in a day. Are they really trying to tell us that they can feed these people for under a dollar? What is Alyssa Milano doing to help? Is she flying her personal helicopter over there to distribute Ramen Noodles and Rainbow drinks? If this is a cause that she truly believes in then she should donate her own money and stop begging the American public for theirs. I'm sure she has a ton of money from that WB hit "Charmed" , which serves as proof that as long as you put hot chicks on TV, people will watch. That show was garbage. Milano should be paying me $0.30 a day for ever having to watch that piece of crap. The best career move she ever made was posing for Playboy. Now if only she would shut her whore mouth, and thank Tony Danza and the "Who's the Boss" producers for making her relevant in the first place.

This isn't about Alyssa Milano though. It's about how Americans are too fat. Maybe they wouldn't be if instead of plopping their fat asses on the couch with a giant tub of ice cream to watch the guy from "Man vs. Food" devour 5 pounds of Tiramisu, they were exercising or at the very least, not gorging on dairy products. Trust me, you're going to want to be in shape when the zombie apocalypse happens. If you do decide to join the gym there is a list of unwritten rules to follow, and whether you're the 5ft tall 4 ft wide bodybuilder with no neck, or the oddly out of shape looking personal trainer, it's important to have some gym etiquette.

1. Ladies... Spandex is more than OK if you have a nice body. However if you are fat and disgusting you are going to want to put on more clothes. I recommend just wearing a Snuggie. The reason for the Snuggie is twofold. It hides how gross you are and also helps you sweat off the pounds, consequently making you less gross.

2. Dudes.... There are other members that pay to use the equipment just like you, and just because you work out your chest every day so that your Tapout tee fits more snugly, you still need to be respectful of everyone else's time. Maybe let me work in for a set while you prepare yourself another protein shake. It's just a thought.

3. Old men.... For Christ's sake, use a towel. I just want to put my jacket in a locker. I shouldn't have to be subjected to an old wrinkly set of Sandusky balls. Meanwhile, their towel is in their hand. I saw a dude one time standing in front of the mirror, naked while brushing his teeth with a towel laying on the sink.