The other day I’m at the grocery store picking up a few things. I get everything I need, and proceed to check-out. While Standing in front of all the registers, I notice that the lines are all pretty evenly matched. I usually try to scope out the situation, and pick the fastest moving line. This time it was a tough call. I kind of do that thing for a minute when you are halfway in one line and halfway in the other. I just took a wide stance in between lanes 6 and 7, hoping to get some kind of a feel for which line is going to move faster. I study the cashiers. Neither one looks very promising. Usually there is a fast cashier and a slow cashier. One cashier who’s been around the block a few times and knows their shit. I’m talking about a seasoned veteran employee of the month caliber. A professional. Then there is a cashier who is on like their third day. They have problems with the scanner. They can’t find the bar codes on some items. They take way longer getting you your change than it should ever take. If you spot the pro you get in their line. Every time, no exceptions. Even if their line is a couple of people longer, trust me your odds are better. This particular time I can’t spot the pro. The lines are long, and I come to terms with the fact that I am going to be here for a while. So I saddle up in lane 6 and start to wait.
I pick up an OK magazine off the rack and begin to flip through it. There is a pretty hot picture of Kim Kardashian on the cover. Yeah, I made a Kardashian reference…. Big whoop wanna fight about it. She’s hot, and I do enjoy looking at pictures of her. It’s not like I watch the show. Not with the sound on at least. Hearing her speak only makes her less attractive. The same goes for most of the chicks that have shows on the E channel. I believe that the mute button was designed specifically for shows on E.
As I’m flipping through the magazine the lady standing in line behind me receives a phone call, and becomes very loud and annoying. I curse myself for forgetting to bring my headphones. I almost always bring headphones with me when I go shopping. I love listening to music, and also it’s fun shopping to a soundtrack. I remember once I came to the store just to buy toilet paper, and then the song “Low-rider” came on. I wound up in the Mexican food aisle spontaneously picking out items for a taco night. I browned about 4 pounds of ground beef that night. Re fried beans, Spanish rice, I had everything. So much that I had to call some friends over to help me out with it. There was way too much food. I ate so many tacos that night it was ridiculous. Taco night was a huge success. However the excitement of it caused me to forget about buying toilet paper. Of all nights to not have toilet paper it happened on taco night. Anyways, I forgot my headphones tonight, and it couldn't be a worse time to not have them. This lady behind me on the phone is in hysterics. I try to not pay attention, but she is being so loud it’s like I’m being forced to eavesdrop. She is talking to someone named Pat, and she is very worried about her son. Apparently her son’s ex-wife is accusing him of stealing money from her. “ Their fixin to call the law on him” she said. “ I know he didn’t do it but they’re fixin to call the law.”
I turn around to put my magazine back on the rack, and I catch my first glimpse of this lady. She appears much like she sounds, very stupid looking. Her Hello Kitty T-shirt seems to make the statement,” Yeah I’m still young at heart.” I think the fact that she reads at a third grade level helps her make this connection.
I am devastated when I look up, and see the cashier having a problem with the register. I glance over at lane 7, and sure enough it’s cruising. There’s the pro. She was in lane 7 all along. I roll my eyes and shake my head. What a foolish decision. I’m an idiot. Now I’m stuck here listening to the call the law lady. She is going into great detail now about her son. “He’s a great guy and they are gonna call the law,” she says.
“He would never steal from her… he’s an honest man Pat, he’s got three dogs.”
I have several questions at this point. First of all, who says call the law? Is Pat a man or woman? What the hell does the fact that he has three dogs have to do with anything? Are people with three dogs incapable of committing crimes? I guess I don’t watch enough Law and Order. Oh, the old three dog defense huh. Typical lawyer, I’ve heard that line a million times before. Did you order the code red? Objection your honor, this man has three dogs. Case dismissed, clearly your innocent. If only you had mentioned the dog situation earlier this all could’ve been prevented. I start to feel dizzy. I feel my white blood cell count decreasing. This ladies stupidity is literally killing me.
I am anxiously staring down the guy in front of me now. He must have 40 items on the belt, and the cashier is doing his best to get everything packed up. I look around for a bagger. There is one, but he is frantically hopping from lane 3 to lane 4. It becomes apparent that he is not going to make it down our way. I can’t help but think that this guy could maybe help bag up his own groceries. He seems to think otherwise. He just stands there and watches. That lazy asshole. Move damnit move. You’re just standing there. You’re not doing anything. Are you above bagging your own groceries? Is that what you think? He turns around and looks at me. I give him my best fake smile. If only he knew how pissed off I am.
Now the call the law lady is telling Pat about how her son drives a snow plow. A snow plow and three dogs. That man is a saint. I grab a pack of D-batteries off the impulse buy rack and grip it in my hand. I wonder how hard I would have to hit myself in the head with these batteries to knock me unconscious. I see that the guy in front of me is finally done, and ready to leave. Hallelujah, I’m next. I’m almost out of here, away from call the law lady. Away from it all. Wait a minute. What is happening? The guy in front of me, what is he doing? He counting dimes and quarters. He turns and looks at me. Again, I fake a smile. Meanwhile in my head I’m screaming at the top of my lungs. CHANGE…CHANGE…YOU’RE REALLY PAYING IN CHANGE. YOU SON OF A BITCH. Since making this process take forever seems to be your thing, why don't you just write a check while your at it. I can't stand it when people write checks. They always wait until the last second to pull out their checkbook. Then they always have to ask the cashier what the date is." What's todays date," they'll ask. I want to yell at them, "2012... it's 2012, that's the date and you're writing a check". It's time for you to get a debit card bitch. Get with the program. The only thing worse in my opinion is paying in change, which this douchebag in front of me is currently doing. I would cock back and strike him square in the jaw, if I weren’t absolutely certain that the call the law lady would…..well you know, call the law on me. I somehow manage to calm myself down, and I get out of that grocery store after a painstaking 13 minute wait. If only I had my headphones. Things would’ve been a little better.
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