A couple of weeks ago a coworker and I were discussing movies. He asked me if I had seen Straw Dogs yet. I said " Never heard of it." He said "Dude it's bad-ass." Oddly enough, that was all it took to convince me to see it. The next day I drove up to the nearest RedBox and rented Straw Dogs. I wasn't sure if it was a comedy or drama. I didn't know who was in it. I knew nothing of the subject matter at all. All I knew is that this movie was allegedly bad-ass. About twenty-five minutes into it, I realized that my colleague and I had different interpretations of what the term bad-ass means. I would've said it sucked ass. It sucked bad ass.
At the start of the movie we see our main characters taking a road trip through the south. James Marsden is in it. He plays a Hollywood hipster screenwriter. His wife, who is played by Kate Bosworth is the all-american southern belle who moves out to California after high school to try to make it big. She endures a short run on some TV show, but then becomes an out of work actress. They are headed to Kate's hometown, Blackwater, Mississippi for the summer. James Marsden wants some peace and quiet, because he is writing a screenplay. Something about a war in Russia or something. I don't know. It doesn't matter. That part of the movie isn't important. Anyway they are headed to Blackwater, Mississippi. I don't know if Blackwater is a real place or if it was just fictionalized for the purpose of the film. If it is a real place then don't go there. Even if you are just driving through, I would strongly recommend requesting Mapquest to provide you with an alternate route. It's a bad town.
James Marsden figures this out pretty quickly. The first day in town they run into Kate Bosworth's ex-boyfriend ( the dude from True blood) at the local watering hole. She introduces him to James Marsden, and they exchange rather uncomfortable awkward pleasantries. Then Marsden goes up to the bar to get a beer and is nearly killed by James Woods. Yeah, James Woods is in it. He plays the town drunk/hooligan who for some reason is a respected citizen. He is at the bar being an asshole to James Marsden, cursing and breaking shit. Everybody lets it slide though, because he used to be the high school football coach. Meanwhile, the dude from True Blood is making a pass at Kate Bosworth. He clearly isn't over her. He tells James Marsden that him and his redneck friends all do construction. In an attempt to alleviate some of the tension in the room, Marsden hires them to fix his roof. That, as it turns out, was not a good decision.
The construction crew were not very professional. They showed up late, drank on the job, used profanity, and they killed Kate Bosworth's cat. Sorry, I guess I should've mentioned earlier that this review would contain spoilers. Sooo... they killed her cat. I'm about to tell you everything else that happened too. It doesn't matter. It's not like you're going to watch it. I already told you it sucked ass.
I was at the point when I almost turned it off, but decided not to. It was rated R and I was waiting to see if there might be a sex scene with Kate Bosworth. This would make the movie worthwhile I thought to myself, but instead of a hot sex scene there was a terrible rape scene. It was pretty graphic and non bad-ass. Also, it was right after I paused the movie so I could make a sandwich. I had some turkey, roast beef and ham. I threw some provolone on that bitch. I even toasted the bread. I went all out with this sandwich. Then the rape scene popped up and I couldn't keep eating. Instead I set my sandwich down and cringed. I literally lost my appetite. That's never happened to me before. It was awful. It actually makes me think that it would be a good idea for people who want to lose weight to do that. After all, it's all about portion control. Just make sure that when you eat meals you are watching a video of somebody getting raped. It will stop you from eating that much, I promise. Sure you might develop some mental problems from it, but come on.... It would be worth the emotional damage, if it means you can fit into your skinny jeans again.
By this point in the movie I hated everybody in it, and was hoping for them all to die. Luckily for me I got my wish. First James Woods's daughter, the head cheerleader (who, by the way was like 24, but they tried to pass her off as 15) tried to rape this big ass autistic dude in the locker room. The autistic guy was Dominic Purcell, aka Lincoln Hawk from Prison Break. I know right, I thought it was awesome too. Ahhh...Prison Break, Micheal Scofield was unstoppable. Anyway, Lincoln Hawk winds up strangling this bitch and kills her. He freaks out, runs out in traffic and gets hit by a car. The driver of the car, you guessed it, James Marsden. He decides to take Lincoln Hawk home with him. Apparently Blackwater doesn't have a hospital, but Marsden has a first aid kit at the house, so everything's ok. Meanwhile, James Woods and the redneck crew are preparing to kill Lincoln Hawk. They knock on Marsden's door and tell him to send him out. James Woods is pretty pissed. James Marsden tells them no, he 's not going to send him out. Once again James, great decision. As you can probably guess, mayhem ensues. The rednecks all try to get in the house to kill Lincoln Hawk, and one by one are picked off by the quick-witted Marsden. With the help of a nail gun, shotgun and a bear trap, all the rednecks are killed and burned in a house fire.
I shook my head in disgust. That was just evil, I thought to myself. I hated it. I didn't think anything about it, until the other day while cleaning out my car when I found the RedBox case. Shit..... I forgot to return it. I put in my car like twelve days ago with the intention of returning it on my way to work, and completely forgot about it. Now I am even more pissed off about this movie, because I basically just paid $14 to watch Kate Bosworth get raped.
My final rating of this movie - I give it a 9
That's actually not good. My scale is 1-50
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