The NSA is watching you masturbate

I love conspiracy theories. I find them interesting, and if I'm being completely honest I believe most of them. Not necessarily because I'm paranoid, but rather because I've become so cynical when it comes to the government, that I don't dismiss anything anymore. Like if you told me that Joe Biden had Robin Williams killed because the movie "Mrs. Doubtfire" gave him nightmares. I'd be like, "I should've known."

It really is terrifying.

Big Brother will do anything to hold us down. They read our emails, they record our phone conversations, check our internet history, and I heard every night while you sleep, your congressman breaks into your house and farts on your toothbrush. We have no privacy these days and you have two options, become outraged or just accept it, because there's nothing you can do about it anyway. Big Brother is always going to keep tabs on you. That's the cost of being an American.

I know a guy who puts a piece of tape over the webcam on his laptop to stop the NSA from watching him masturbate. He told me this. I found it funny, not the part about the NSA watching him through his webcam, I totally believed that. The Government has technology so advanced, so sophisticated, so revolutionary it would make my head spin if I even began to have a clue as to what I was talking about. They have satellites that can record your voice from a thousand miles away. They have drones that can shoot laser beams directly in your eyes and read your mind, and this guy thinks he's outsmarting them with a piece of electrical tape.

"Those perverts aren't going to watch me jack off anymore" , he  proudly boasted. Like the guy who has to watch him is happy about it. I'm sure the dude assigned with that task is just as unhappy about having to watch you beat your meat, as you are about the fact that somebody is probably watching you beat your meat.

It's not like he's an important spy, he's probably just some entry level guy who finally got accepted into the agency and is all excited about gathering intelligence on terrorists until his superior tells him what he'll be doing. I can see the conversation now...

"OK Johnson, here is your office. You'll notice a hundred different screens in front of your desk. Those are for spying on people's webcams. You see, anytime someone Google's the phrases, how to make a bomb, 9-11 is an inside job, Why Communism is awesome, or horny Milfs beg for the dong, it automatically puts them into a pool of citizens who need to be monitored. Now I'm going to warn you, You're going to see a lot of dudes smackin' the sausage. It can be a little unsettling at first, but just stay with it. Don't get discouraged. This is how we caught Osama."

Personally I'm glad there is someone watching me bop the bologna. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not a voyeur or anything, it's just nice to know someone has my back if something goes awry. What if I'm waxing the dolphin and someone breaks into my house? I can't think of a worse time for a home invasion. You're completely vulnerable. Your pants are around your ankles, your hands are covered in lotion so they're all slippery and shit. How are you going to fend off your attacker? Throw some balled up Kleenex at him? Bottom line is that you need the NSA to watch you asphyxiate the poultry  and you know it. Don't be weird about it. It's for your own safety. Plus, it's top secret. It's not like the agent watching you is going to gossip about your freaky fetishes or send out tweets about your weird looking dick. It's all classified. Nothing will ever come back to haunt you.... unless you plan on running for office someday.

Being spied on while you make alfredo sauce isn't that big of a deal. If you really think about it, we have it pretty good. We have 24 hour Taco Bells, Starbucks on every corner, marijuana is becoming legal in a lot of states,  and the entire Friends series is on Netflix now. So what if the NSA watches us make knuckle babies... That's the cost of being an American.