Cats vs. Dogs

I'm a cat person. Well, maybe I should rephrase that, as that term can be confusing for some. I'm a human who likes cats. I'm not half cat, half person. I just want to make that clear for anybody who reads this, so that they don't have this misconception that I'm some kind of weird hybrid mammal, like the Liger or the Jaglion, or the infamous Bearshark.

Probably the most terrifying creature of all time

If there was such thing as a Cat Person, what would it even look like? Would it be like a Centaur, human from the waist up. and cat from the waist down? Or would it just be a cat that's human size and walks on two feet, like in The Cat in the Hat? Maybe, it would just mean, a person who mimics the personality of a cat? Perhaps, they sleep a lot, and frequently act like an asshole to everybody. On second thought, maybe I am a Cat Person.

I have friends that have told me that cats are stupid, and dogs are smart, because you can teach them how to shake hands, and roll over. I fail to see how these acts indicate intellect. I know plenty of people who know how to shake hands. That doesn't necessarily make them intelligent. You want to impress me, then teach your dog how to solve a Rubik's cube, or something. Any dog can roll over, but if you show up to the Westminster dog show with a Labrador that can do long division, you're leaving with a blue ribbon for sure.

OK, Shake hands! Now roll over! Good job. Now go get on Excel and make a spreadsheet! Good Boy!!!

Fact: Cats are smarter than dogs.
If you go outside with your pet and throw a tennis ball, a dog will chase after it, retrieve it, and wait for you to throw it again, without even thinking about why it was thrown in the first place. Cats are analytical.  A cat will stare at you with a perplexed facial expression, as if to say, "Why did you just throw that? There is no one over there to catch it. You should probably invest in one of those pitch back things they sell at sporting good stores. That way the ball bounces right back to you, and you don't have to walk to the other side of the yard every ten seconds like an idiot. They're on sale right now at Sports Authority. Also, my dish is empty."

Dogs are loyal subjects, there's no doubt about that, but isn't it better to be a leader than a follower? I mean, would you rather be friends with Ferris Bueller or Cameron? That's where the term "Cool Cat" comes from. There's a reason why no one says "Cool Dog", it's because cats are cooler. Either that, or because the alliteration makes it more catchy, but I believe it's the former, not the latter.

Why do you think Garfield was always on the front page, and Marmaduke was on page 3? Garfield was awesome. He really epitomized what "Cool" really was.  He was constantly out-smarting that dim witted dog Odie, and pulling pranks on Nermil.  The only qualm I ever had with Garfield was his distaste for Mondays. Why did he hate them so much? It's not like he had a job to go to, or any responsibility at all for that matter. Oh, it's Monday? Great. Go ahead and do what you do everyday, and resume your routine cat activities. The only person who should've been bummed out about the beginning of the work week was Jon Arbuckle. That dude had no friends, and worked long hours at a dead end job, most likely putting in overtime, to pay for his cat's bizarre lasagna habit.  Garfield literally ate an entire pan of lasagna every meal.  That's gotta get expensive after a while.

Lol, he even ate the pan. Garfield my friend, you are a riot!

One thing dogs do have is a superior sense of smell. Their scent receptors in their noses are 40 times stronger than that of humans, which is precisely why they have bomb sniffing dogs, and K9 units. If you have a half a gram of weed in your house, the police dog is going to find it. That's a fact. Yet, even with those powerful noses, the first thing they do amidst the presence of other dogs, is go straight for the B-hole. Their snouts literally make contact with the other dogs b-hole, it's disturbing. You'd figure that as soon as they got within 40 feet from the other dog, they'd be like, "Oh snap, that's Lou."

Hey dude.

Dogs come in all shapes and sizes, but let's face it. If you have a dog that weighs less than 20 lbs, then you basically just have a cat that makes a lot of noise. These runts can't protect you and your family from intruders. Oh no, you'll need a much bigger dog for that. You'll need like a Pitbull, or a German Shepherd, or whatever the hell breed "Marmaduke" was. These dogs are large, loud and intimidating. Plus they get way too close to your crotch with their teeth. That is almost as disturbing as the fact that they always want to lick your face.

Oh Human, I've missed you so much! I vomited while you were gone, but don't worry I ate it all up.

Cats are far less clingy. Instead, they just do that thing where they rub up against your leg, as if to say, "Hey man, what's up? You have permission to pet me for a few minutes, but after that go away. Also, my dish is empty."
People say dogs are man's best friend, but I prefer for my best friend to not be so rambunctious and hyper. Instead, I want a friend to who's cool with chilling on the couch, and watching TV, maybe even eat an entire pan of lasagna, if we're feeling frisky. Sure you can't walk a cat, but if walking your dog is your only means of exercising, then you suck at exercise, and need to rethink your workout regimen.

Basically the only advantage of having a dog would be if you owned a junkyard or something, and wanted to scare off cat burglars. By the way, you know why they're not referred to as dog burglars, right?

 Sorry to be doggin' on dogs, but they're simply not cool cats

With my mind on my money and my money on my mind