The DMV

I couldn't find my wallet earlier. That's a terrible feeling, isn't it? There you are, scouring your house, flipping over couch cushions, and being disgusted by how dirty it is underneath your couch cushions. Eventually you start calling places you were at that day, to see if anyone turned it in. You think about all the credit cards you would have to cancel, and you think about the cash you'll never see again. You think about the Planet Sub hole punch card you had. Three more, and you would've had a free sub. Son of a Bitch!

The worst part about it all though, is the fact that a trip to the DMV to get a new I.D. is inevitable. There are only two places, in my opinion that are worse than the DMV. The first is Hell, and the second is a cold, dark, windowless room, where the song "She thinks my tractor's sexy" is played on a continuous loop. Meanwhile, Gilbert Gottfried runs into the room every 5 minutes, with a 3x5 index card, to give you a paper cut on a random part of your body, while loudly and slowly explaining to you what he is doing.

The Clientele at the DMV at any given occasion makes the mountain men from The Deliverance look like James Bond. You stand there in line, holding your nose, anxiously shuffling through the 15 different documents you brought with you, hoping to god that you have everything you need. The clerk hopes you don't, though. She can't wait to tell you, that she can't help you, and send you to the back of the line. She has this smug, go fuck yourself, look similar to the one Judge Judy has every time she's shown on TV, ever. I'd rather be a small child, in the midst of a custody battle between Casey Anthony and a Catholic Priest, than have to visit the DMV

I'd rather be water boarded for 3 hours than spend 3 minutes in that horrid place. By the way, is water boarding really the most effective torture technique? If it was me, I would go in a different direction with the terrorists. I would just bring a TV in the interrogation room and start showing the guy "Friends". Assuming, of course that they've never seen Friends, but they're like 30 years behind us, right? They're probably just now watching Alf. Anyways, I'd start from season 1 episode 1, and then halfway through season 3, I would just turn the TV off. It wouldn't take long before he'd start cooperating. He'd be like, "Dude, what happens next? Do Ross and Rachael get back together, or are they still on a break?" Then, I'd be like, "You'll find out as soon as you tell me where the nukes are?"  Then maybe after that, I'd water board him just for fun.

Still, I'd rather be in his position than at the DMV. By the way, I found my wallet later that day in my jacket pocket. Weird, right?