True Story

In 2003 an 20 year old man named Jeff was struck in the head with a boomerang and knocked into a coma. Yesterday he awoke from the coma. His younger brother Brett, then 10. now 20 was there to welcome him home. As you can imagine, Jeff had a lot of questions after being unconscious for the last 10 years. Questions that were answered by his brother. Here is an actual documentation of their conversation.


Jeff: Brother!!! How've you been? Look at how grown you are. Holy shit, I've been in this coma for a long time. What's going on in the world today?

Brett: Sup Bro. Umm....Well the president is Barack Obama. He's a black dude. Were still fighting Iraq I think, I don't know. Oh guess what? Jimmy from Degrassi is a rapper now. He's got mad swag.

Jeff: Oh, OK. A black president, huh? That's pretty progressive. Good for him, is he doing a good job?

Brett: I think. Mom and Dad hate him, but he's cool. He's got swag.

Jeff: Hmm... I guess that means he's a Democrat. Why do you keep saying swag? What does that mean?

Brett: Oh you know. Swag. It's just like a quality some of us have. I swag all day.

Jeff: Well, is it a noun or a verb? You're confusing me now.

Brett: I don't know, Bro. Look I've gotta get you caught up to 2013. A lot's changed since you've been out.

Jeff: I can only imagine

Brett: First off, Cell phones now are Cray.

Jeff: Really?

Brett: Yeah Bro. Your Nokia is ancient. Phones now are ridic. You can get online, and watch videos. Anything is possible. That reminds me, I've gotta show you this Video. It's Hilar.

Jeff: Hmm....I've noticed you're only pronouncing half of certain words. That is abnorm

Brett: What?

Jeff: Nothing

Brett: Oh

Jeff: What about weed. Do you know where to get any?

Brett: Yeah man, Riley

Jeff: Ha.... Riley's still slanging weed. some things never change.

Brett: I know, right.

Jeff: Cool. Well shit, it's been 10 years. I should call him.

Brett: Whoa, dude Whoa! Call him? Don't be weird, just text him like a normal person.

Jeff: Alright

Brett: Yeah, and make sure you abbreviate all your words and use a lot of acronyms. Otherwise he'll think you're a cop.

Jeff: Umm, OK. What about movies? Any big blockbusters out right now in the theaters that we could check out?

Brett: Total Recall. I heard it was epic

Jeff: Yeah, but that's a movie from the 80's. Anything new out. Anything original?

Brett: Mom and Dad bought me a Blu-Ray of Karate Kid for Christmas. We could watch that. It stars Jackie Chan and Will Smith's son.

Jeff: What? No, that's not Karate Kid. You must be confusing the title with something else. Also, what is a Blu-Ray?

Brett: Blu-Rays are the new DVD's. Yeah, I think they remade Karate Kid. I remember hearing that in the theater when I saw Footloose.

Jeff: ( Exasperated Gasp) They remade Footloose????

Brett: Yeah man. Pretty much every cool movie from the 80's had been remade. Most of them are epic though.

Jeff: I'm sure they are brother, I'm sure they are.

Brett: (Giggles while playing on phone)

Jeff: What about music? Do you have any CD's? Are the Counting Crows still relevant?

Brett: Who? CD's are so yesterday Bro. Everything is digital now. Let me bump this Dubstep Pandora station for you, you'll love it.

Jeff: What is that?

Brett: Umm, well it's like....Oh do you remember when we had AOL?

Jeff: Yeah

Brett: Remember the sounds our computer would make when you were signing in? Imagine that, only louder. That's dubstep.

Jeff: Well, that sounds terrible.

Brett: No dude, it's totes epic.

Jeff: What about rap? What's my homie Snoop dogg up to?

Brett: Oh, he goes by Snoop Lion now. He still raps. I'm not much of a fan but I do follow him on twitter. He's hilar.

Jeff: Twitter?

Brett: Yeah, it's kinda like Facebook or Linkedin, only instead of posting on walls, you hashtag your tweets.

Jeff: I don't know what any of that meant.

Brett:  Facebook is like a less lame version of Myspace.

Jeff: Still drawing a blank here.

Brett: Dude, how did you communicate with friends back then?

Jeff: I don't know. I would just..... you know, talk to them on the phone

Brett: That's creepy bro.

Jeff: (exhales deeply)

Brett: Bro, you should see your face right now. it's epic

Jeff: Would you quit referring to everything as epic. Oh my face is a heroic saga? Really? Geez louize!

Brett: Dude, no one says geez louize anymore.

Jeff: Jesus, it seems like everything has changed. What about porn? Please tell me that there is still porn.

Brett: Oh yeah dude. Totes.

Jeff: Sweet... How long until mom and dad come home?

Brett: Well there at Costco right now trying free samples, so probably like 45 minutes at least.

Jeff: Cool. That means I can download a 3 minute clip. We still have Limewire right?

Brett: No man. It's not like that anymore. You can watch an entire porn whenever you want. They stream instantly now, and they're literally thousands of sites that you can go to. Thousands!

Jeff: You don't say?

Brett: Yeah man

Jeff: Hmm

Brett: Hey I'm going to go downstairs and work out

Jeff: What? Do we have a home gym now?

Brett: No man, it's Wii Fit. They had to make working out a video game, so that people would be interested in it.

Jeff: Oh that's cool, I think i'm going to hang out in the computer room for a while.

Brett: Coo beans bro-beans


14 hours later Jeff emerged from the computer room. A bit dazed and disoriented, he walked outside. Jeff saw the world differently than he had before. He saw it for what it was, a beautiful thing. Jeff saw a butterfly perched on a branch, and approached it. He stood there for a moment in complete awe of the majestic creature. Then, suddenly he was struck in the head with yet another boomerang, putting him back into a coma. The butterfly was unharmed.