Driving ettiquette.....Don't be a dick

Lets face it, driving sucks. It's awesome for a month or so, when you first get your license. It's so liberating at first. You would just pick up your friends and go. There was never a destination, it just felt cool being behind the wheel. It doesn't take long though, before you come to the realization that it's not that cool. Gas is expensive and you have to share the road with this group of assholes, called everyone else.



Oh look honey, there's a spot right on top of that other car.

I saw a link on a web page once that read, "How to tell if you have Road Rage". I didn't click on it, because it was bullshit. Everyone has Road Rage, at least to a certain degree. How can you not? Scientists need to hurry up and make it so all cars drive themselves, because people are only getting worse at it. The only time anyone even pays attention when they drive anymore, is when they've been drinking. If you leave a bar after 6 beers, you're driving as carefully as you possibly can, or at least you are trying too. Hands are at 10 and 2, you're driving the speed limit, and the radio is turned down because somehow that helps. Normally paying attention, takes a backseat to the things you're irresponsibly preoccupied with in the front seat. Women drivers are the worst. The other day I saw a woman driving down the highway while putting on lipstick and sending a text message at the same time. It shocked me so much, I almost dropped my electric razor in my coffee. Cops have to get so frustrated when they arrive at the scene of an accident, to find out that the reason some lady rear ended the person if front of her, was because she was trying to sync her Ipod with her Ipad. Then the guy behind her rear ends her, because he was too busy sending a tweet about how much he hates traffic. #trafficbites

It's one thing to be a bad driver, being an impolite driver is another.

Rule # 1
 If you're the dickbag that doesn't notice a lane closing until the very last second, then you are required to gratefully acknowledge the person who selflessly lets you merge in front of them. The standard courtesy wave works wonders. A head nod also will suffice. If you're really feeling grateful you can hit them with the courtesy wave/head nod combo. Just be sure to not continue with whatever it is you're dumb ass was doing, that caused you to miss the lane closing warning a mile and a half ago.

Rule # 2
If you are at a stoplight and the light turns green, but you don't notice or react to it for 3 seconds, the person in the car behind you has the right to honk the horn at you. You have no right to get angry about the honking either. You should've been paying attention. It's not like I'm going to honk at you with the intention of pissing you off. I'm trying to help you, so that you don't have to sit through this light again.  It just so happens that this decision also affects me, but I swear that if you mean mug me through your mirror and start yelling shit out your window, I will follow you to your house, and take a shit in your refrigerator. It bothers me that some people's initial reaction is to get confrontational when they clearly are the ones at fault. That's like accidentally dialing the wrong number, and then yelling at a stranger for not being the person you wanted to talk to.

Rule # 3
If you decide to pass the car in front of you because they're driving too slow, then maintain that speed once you've passed. I shouldn't have to slow down, because you felt like doing 85 mph for 3 seconds. On a related note, if you drive the speed limit on the interstate, then get the fuck out of the fast lane. We go fast in the fast lane. If you can't handle going fast then you shouldn't be there. You wouldn't join a fight club if you were just going to challenge people to thumb wars, would you?

Rule # 4
The acceleration ramp was designed for you to accelerate up to highway speed, so for the love of god accelerate. Too often, I find myself behind someone going 35mph, as we approach a 70 mph zone. This is the exact reason we have traffic, and it's completely avoidable. Please just increase your speed, so that other motorists don't have to brake, for your slow ass to merge.


Parking
If your car is cool enough to take up three spaces, then it's going to be spat on by every by-passer while you're in GNC loading up on protein. The action of taking more than one parking spot encapsulates all that is Douchebaggery.

So, there it is. It's pretty simple really. Pay attention, be courteous , but most importantly...Don't be a dick