Monday, December 30, 2013

Purge

A few days ago while browsing for a movie on a Redbox machine, and being disappointed with the Redbox selections, I stumbled across the movie "Purge" and remembered seeing the trailer for it 5 months earlier. Right after the trailer ended my friend turned to me and said, "That looks tight."
And although a 30 second snippet of a film isn't always an indicator of how good it will be, I had to agree with him. It looked tight.


Upon watching "Purge" though I came to the conclusion that it was definitely not tight. It was the opposite of tight. It was loose. Super loose. It was JNCO jeans on a bulimic chick loose, or 30 day Taco Bell diet, bowel movement loose.

The movie takes place in the year 2032 in a flourishing economy with a 1% unemployment rate that's mainly attributed to the purge, which is an annual 12 hour period where all crime becomes legal, police take the night off, and hospitals close. The purge is basically a night where all the rich people stimulate the economy by murdering all the poor people. A practice so barbaric that even Ayn Rand would be like, "Whoa, that's taking it a little far guys."

Atlas doesn't just shrug in this film, he power cleans. Except he does it with horrible form, and probably spills protein all over the place before leaving the gym. Also, he doesn't wipe down any of the machines he uses, because he's a douche.

Ethan Hawke stars as the main guy, who's name I already forgot. Hawke clearly lost some kind of a bet with his agent or something, and as a result, was forced to accept the lead role in this turd sandwich of a movie. At least, I think. I could be wrong, I just can't imagine any other possible scenario, where Ethan Hawke would agree to such a shit script.  Ethan Hawke movies are usually tight. This movie was about as tight as Jenna Jameson's butthole.


It begins on the night of the purge, and Hawke is bunkered down in his mansion with his hot wife, and ungrateful children. Then his dumbass son deactivates the security system to give refuge to one of the poor people that are being hunted, and the rich people hunting him, ascend onto Hawke's property to demand for the poor guy's release.

Hawke fights off the rich people while scouring his house for the poor guy, and then his daughter's boyfriend who he disapproves of, shows up and shoots at him. Because there's no better way to get a chick to love you forever, than killing her dad, am I right?

Sadly, the boyfriend's pathetic misguided murder attempt was probably only the 9th dumbest thing to happen in the movie. Hawke's family try their hardest to get killed, with their poor decision making, and lack of common sense. Then in an unexpected, although definitely not tight plot twist, the rich people hunting the poor guy, are killed by Hawke's rich neighbors, who are there to kill Hawke, because he is richer than them. The rich neighbors attack Hawke's wife, and just as she is about to get shot, the poor guy comes out of hiding and kills the rich neighbor. Then the people who aren't dead just sort of sit at the kitchen table and drink tea. Then the movie ends. That's it. That's what happens.  What an incredible disappointment this movie was. I was so let down. It's like someone promising you a gourmet Italian dinner, and then serving you Spaghetti-O's.The concept of the purge is really quite interesting and had potential to be a pretty good movie, had they not chosen to include every predictable suspense movie cliché ever. The plot is worthless, and the dialogue is horrendous. There is literally no aspect of this film that can be considered even marginally entertaining. In fact it was so bad, that if the purge became a real thing today, my first crime would be to kill the director of this movie. It was just..... So bad. It wasn't even tight.

Oh, also Ethan Hawke dies at the end.

1 comment:

  1. Good god this guy has so much style reminds you of one of the royal princes friend from eaton ,phew

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