It's almost October, which means two things; Pumpkin flavored everything, and post season baseball. Being a native to Saint Louis, I retain the luxury of always having my team still be relevant, this time of the year. Naturally, I take full advantage of this, as a best of seven series, is the only way to make baseball even mildly exciting. Go ahead and label me a fair-weather fan, but there's a reason why attendance has been steadily declining in stadiums all across the country. The game is too slow, and the season is too long. Sure it's easy to get pumped up in April, about opening day, but try maintaining that passion in July, when your team is in third place, and there are still 90 more games to play.
How anyone can sit there, and watch 3.5 consecutive hours of baseball, when there's 87 more games left in the season, is beyond me. I'd rather tune into the DIY channel to watch paint dry. Even when I attend games, I find myself paying more attention to the beer vendors, than the actual game itself. You want to know why the Bud Light guy is so charismatic? For the same reason why they sing "Take me out to the ballgame" in the seventh inning, to try to keep you awake.
I still don't understand why everyone chastised the Boston Red Sox, for drinking in the clubhouse during games, a few seasons ago. Have you ever tried to watch baseball sober? It's awful. Why do you think Mike Shannon is such an alcoholic? Not only does he have to watch all 162 games but he has to talk about them and attempt to make them interesting. Baseball may be America's pastime, but this is present time. With everyone you know possessing a cellular device, capable of accessing the entirety of information known to man, I have a tough time, expecting anyone to keep their eyes glued to the game, especially while they're making their fifth pitching change of the inning. This is the age of Attention Deficit Disorder, and unless Baseball makes drastic changes, I predict an even greater detachment from the general public. Here are a few rule changes, that I feel will boost ratings.
Rule # 1 --- Fighting is allowed.... No scratch that..... Fighting is encouraged.
This is the coolest thing about hockey. Two dudes can beat the shit out of each other and the only punishment they receive is a 5 minute penalty. Imagine the lead-off hitter reaches first base, and for no reason the third basemen sprints across the diamond and clocks him in the face. Then they fight until one of them is unconscious. The loser is dragged off the field and the winner has to sit in the dugout for half an inning. It would be baseball's own little version of a power play. It's gotta be pretty easy to get a base hit with nobody at third base.
Rule # 2 --- Obstacles in the outfield
Diving catches in the outfield are probably the coolest thing about baseball, but if you seen one you've see them all. What if there were obstacles in the outfield? All of a sudden outfield catches would be a whole lot cooler. Each stadium would be different. Wrigley could have a mud pit. Coors field could have a slip n' slide. I'm thinking a jungle gym in center field at Busch. Imagine Jon Jay making a catch while hanging upside down on the monkey bars. If that's not a top 10 play then I don't know what is. Although he would probably commit a lot more errors. I'm sure the media would crush him. They would be like...
Jon Jay has been absolutely atrocious in center field this year. He has committed several errors and it appears that he's not getting good jumps on the balls that he was getting to last year. This might be due to the fact that he is always hanging on those monkey bars. Why is he always on those monkey bars? Then there was that game is San Francisco last month when Matt Holliday and him, wouldn't get off that seesaw. 27 runs in one inning....... Unbelievable.
Rule # 3 --- Steroids are legal
OK, so here's what we do, steroids remain a punishable offense for all players, with the exception of one per team. Each team has a designated HGH hitter, who is allowed to juice as much as they want. Think about it. Imagine watching footage of a relief pitcher warming up, and then having the camera immediately cut to a dude on the on-deck circle injecting himself with steroids... That would make for a pretty good at-bat, am I right?
Rule # 4 --- Players can use corked bats on their birthdays
Come on ....... It's bad enough that they have to play baseball on their birthday. Why not let them have a little fun
Rule # 5 --- Each team has a designated heckler
Before each game each team would select a lucky fan to stand behind the pitcher and talk shit to him throughout the game. They would have the drawing right before the national anthem. It doesn't matter where you're sitting. You could be 3 rows back or in the nosebleeds, and you would have a legitimate shot at being selected as the designated heckler. I feel that this would create a lot more offense, as the pitchers would get rattled due to all the taunting. How long do you think Clayton Kershaw can keep it together, when he's hearing about how some dude and his boys just ran a train on his grandma?
So there it is. Come on Bud Selig let's make these official. Then maybe I'll pay attention next year.
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