My Nightmare

It's a reoccurring nightmare I've had for years. I'm at a house party on some weekend during senior year of high school. Then suddenly I feel the impending urge to use the bathroom, but there is only one bathroom on the lower level where everyone is congregating, and the lock on that door doesn't even work. I approach the host of the party, as he is a good friend of mine, and request permission to use the upstairs bathroom. " Just use this one", he says while motioning towards the lockless bathroom. "I'd rather not", I earnestly reply. " It's...a privacy thing." "What? You gotta drop a deuce?", he asks. "Umm yeah", I mutter discreetly. "And it's a doosy of a twosy." My friend begins to go into great detail about how his parents won't let anyone use the upstairs bathroom. Nobody, not even him. "There is a toilet on the front porch.", he tells me. "You can use that one." As I walk out onto the front porch, thinking that this was fucking crazy, a calmness overcomes me. It was such a peaceful quiet night. I decide that this might not be that bad, and sit down to take care of business. A minute later,  mayhem ensues. I look up in horror to see a gang of roughly 50 kids from our rival high school marching down the street. It was clear what was about to happen. There was about to be a brawl. The rival kids all start throwing rocks at the house, and screaming for my friends to come outside. Moments later they did. Now there were two separate groups, standing about twenty feet apart, screaming at each other. The crazy thing is that no one even seems to notice me. They just keep firing insults back and forth with each other.

"You guys are pussies."

 "Fuck off you shitheads."

"Suck a dick you cocksuckers"

"Hey is that guy taking a shit."

Suddenly everyone focuses in on me. a deafening silence overcomes all, as I sit in terror in front of roughly 100 people, all while sitting on the toilet taking a shit. I have to break the silence, the awkwardness of the situation is killing me. So, I raise my hand in the air, and say "Check please!" , No one was amused. Now not only am I on the toilet in front of 100 people, but I'm also the weird guy who tells bad jokes. The rivals charge at the house, and my friends charge back. It's a less intense not nearly as dramatic version of Braveheart, and just as the opposing sides are about to clash, I wake up in a cold sweat.

So that's the dream. It's not always the same, but the main ingredient is the toilet in a random location. The characters involved are usually different. The settings are too. A bank. A football field. Even a McDonald's lobby one time. In that dream, the manager of the McDonald's informs me that the bathrooms are out of order, but that there is a toilet in the lobby. I give him a weird look, and he goes on to tell me that this particular McDonald's isn't very lobby friendly, and that most of the customers use the drive-thru. The lobby is completely empty, so I decide to go ahead with it. Then no sooner than 2 seconds after my cheeks hit the seat, a tour bus pulls up to the parking lot, and hundreds of Japanese tourists pour out of the bus and into the McDonald's. They immediately see me, and I  wind up posing for pictures with all of them. I shoot a dirty look at the manager. He is looking back at me while shrugging his shoulders, seemingly to make the statement " This almost never happens." I am completely embarrassed, but also pissed off at the same time. Now I'm going to be all over Facebook, or at least the Japanese equivalent of Facebook sitting on a toilet. Also, these tourists are going to have a very warped view of American culture.

Every time I have one of these dreams, I wind up wide awake for the rest of the night.  Why would there be a toilet there? It doesn't make any sense. I'm confused, frustrated and flat out angry. It's the same feeling you get when taking a multiple choice test, that you're completely unprepared for. You know the tests I'm talking about. Your inner monologue goes something like this.

OK, well at least it's multiple choice. I have a fighting chance. Remember the golden rule. When in doubt, choose C. Wait what is this

D. All of the above

Sweet. Well that's gotta be it then unless... Oh wait there's more

E. None of the above

Oh come on. Well that's just bullshit

F. Both D and E

What the fuck