Life is kinda like pizza. Sometimes it can seem too cheesy, and other times you can get burned. But sometimes it's amazing, even though it's Barbeque chicken and not the pepperoni you ordered, but sometimes life can be confusing as well. Just remember that nothing will comfort you like a pizza, and with all the darkness in the world these days, it's nice to know that pizza has your back. I have close to thirty years of pizza eating experience, thin crust, deep dish, frozen, on a bagel, I've eaten thousands of pizzas, and as good as pizza is, there are some kinds that are much better than others. I would like to share my findings with you, so that you get the absolute most out of your pizza eating experience. So without further adieu, here is The Ultimate Pizza Guide. Enjoy!
I decided to break this thing into 4 sections. Nationwide chains, local chains, frozen pizza, and sit down restaurants...
NATIONWIDE CHAINS...
THE WORST
Papa John's:
Papa John's sucks. Their sauce sucks. Their cheese sucks. Everything about them sucks. Well, except for Peyton Manning. He doesn't suck. He's pretty cool. But everything else about them sucks.
THE SECOND WORST
Pizza Hut:
Pizza Hut is the king of the gimmick. They believe that creativity supersedes quality and that's how they wound up with items like the hot dog pizza.
I don't know what the hell is going on at the Pizza Hut headquarters, but it seems like they're just sitting around a table, passing around a bong, being like, "Ok, ok man. What if we made like, a pizza that looks like a taco, stuffed with cheeseburgers. No, wait. What about a pizza where the crust is made of smaller pizzas!
How about you guys just make a pizza that doesn't suck? How about that? If I had to say a nice thing about Pizza Hut, I guess, at least they're not Papa John's.
HONARABLE MENTION
Sbarro
Sbarro is pretty underrated, at least in Saint Louis it is. It's pretty good pizza, and it's affordable. Plus they serve by the slice, which is something I really like because sometimes you're not hungry enough to eat a whole pizza. Like if you're currently running a 5K, or if you're on your way to eat out at a restaurant where there's probably going to be a long wait. It's more convenient to walk around with just one slice, than having to carry a big box around, know what I mean?
THE BEST
Dominos
A few years ago, Dominos revamped their menu with a brand new recipe and since then, they've been serving heat. Dominos is the shit! Plus they have this awesome little innovation known as Pizza Tracker. Whenever you order online, pizza tracker pops up, and you get to oversee the whole process through the powers of technology.
Dominos pizza tracker is awesome. It adds a personal touch to the pizza ordering experience. You learn the cook's first name. You learn the delivery driver's first name. You know the exact minute the driver leaves the store with your pizza. Then you start pacing around your living room, anxiously waiting for Keith to show up. After ten or fifteen minutes pass, you're thinking something's wrong. You start to get worried about Keith. Where the fuck is he? He should be here by now. You run outside to see if you can locate him and see your neighbor across the street behaving erratically. You ask him what's wrong. He tells you he's looking for Keith too. Your jaw drops. Holy shit! It's a damn conspiracy. Where is this guy? Does he even exist. A car drives by, you jump in front of it, while your neighbor rips the driver out of the car. All of your Grand Theft Auto training has prepped you for this very moment. You inform the driver that you'll be commandeering his vehicle. You're conducting an emergency search party. The driver looks visibly shaken by what you're telling him. You step back for a minute and suddenly notice a familiar logo on his hat. Your eyes then glance to his shirt. He's wearing a name tag. Holy shit! It's him. It's Keith. A tear rolls down your cheek. He says, it's OK. Everything is going to be fine. I'm here now. Your pizza is safe. You tip him generously and head back inside. What a stressful experience that was! It will probably help to eat the entire pizza in one sitting. That's the only way to recover from that whirlwind of emotions. Luckily for you, the pizza is very tasty. Dominos is the shit.
The complete list:
1. Dominos
2. Sbarro
3. Little Caesers
4. Pizza Hut
5. Papa johns
LOCAL CHAINS
When it comes to pizza in Saint Louis, there are two heavyweights; Imo's and Cecil Whittaker's...
So who's better?
Let's compare the two, shall we? Both have been in operation for decades, and both have unnecessarily extensive menus. For example, did you know that you can order a hamburger at either one of these establishments? I'm not really sure why anyone would go to a pizzeria for a hamburger though, that's kinda like eating the pizza at a Chinese buffet, I mean... What are you even doing?
They both have wings. Unfortunately, I'm not much of a wing connoisseur (pizza is my thing) so I'm afraid I can't speak intelligently on the differences in quality. I like the Toasted Ravioli at Cecil's better, but Imo's invented Provel Bites, which blow Toasted Ravioli out of the marinara sauce, if you know what I mean.
I thoroughly enjoy both restaurants, but when it comes down to it, I give a slight edge to Imo's in pizza quality. Very slight.
So the answer is Imo's, right?
Wrong. Despite the slight edge is quality, Imo's lacks the one thing that Cecil's excels in. Deals! Cecil's is all about the deals.
Customer appreciation day every Tuesday = Large pizza $4.99
All day every day, buy one get one free extra large one topping.
After 9pm special, large two topping $6.99
And so on...
Imo's just sent me a coupon for a large two topping for $14.95, like that's some kind of a deal. That's not a deal, Imo's. Why would you think that's a deal? I refuse to believe that the ingredients Imo's uses are that much more expensive than Cecil's, to justify the price increase. Maybe they just spend too much money on advertising. Perhaps they're still paying luxury tax on that lucrative David Freese contract from 2011. Who knows. But paying that much extra really isn't worth it. Imagine going to Best Buy and seeing a 48" TV for $200, then going to HHGregg and seeing a comparable TV that's 50" but it costs $400. That's a no brainier to me. That extra little bit isn't worth paying double for. Anyways, so to answer the question, who is better.... The answer is...
Stefanina's
Stefanina's is the answer. Stefanina's is the best. If Imo's and Cecil Whittakers are heavyweights, Stefanina's is an ultra heavyweight. A super, ultra heavyweight Stefanina's is a strongman competitor. While the other two are wrestling each other in the octagon, Stefanina's is in the corner deadlifting a Helicopter. They don't want any part of Stef's in the ring. They'd get Debo'd real quick. Tuck your chains in Imo and Cecil. Stefanina's is crushing both of you, and that's all that really needs to be said about that. There's really no competition here.
The complete list:
1. Stefanina's
2. Cecil Whittaker's
3. Imo's
4. Talayna's
5. Fortel's
FROZEN PIZZA
THE WORST
Digiorno
The rising crust feature was innovative at first. It was cool watching it rise in the oven. I'm not sure why. Maybe it reminded me of my childhood with shrinky dinks. Maybe not. I don't care anymore. The crust tastes like three day old cornbread. Add some bland toppings on top of that, and you have yourself a pretty weak pizza. Also it takes like thirty minutes to cook, so you have plenty of time to contemplate eating something else instead. Maybe even order Dominos. You know what they say... Delivery, at least it's not Digiorno.
Third Place
Palermo's
Palermo's is pretty damn good pizza. My personal favorite is the special edition pepperoni. The combination of the center cut and julienne cut pepperonis bring the ruckus to your taste buds like the Wu-Tang Clan at a karate dojo. I highly recommend them.
Second Place
Dogtown pizza
So this pizza is only available in Saint Louis, but whatever... It's amazing! They have many different kinds, but my personal favorite is the hot wing pizza. Dogtown has probably the best (frozen) buffalo chicken pizza I've ever tasted, by far. At around $7-$9, it's a bit on the expensive side, but please take my word for it, that it's worth it.
The Dark Horse
TJ's
There was once a time when TJ's would have been in my top 3, but sadly that time has passed. TJ's is a fundraiser pizza. You can randomly find them here and there (Valenti's meat markets sells them) but for the most part, they're only available through fundraising. I'm not going to lie, they're incredible. I love them. I used to buy the shit out of them, and that's when they were $7 a pop. Then it went up to $8, then $9, and the last time I saw an order form, a pepperoni was $10.50. As good as they are, I have to draw the line somewhere. And I know they're for a fundraiser, and I want your daughter's Girl Scout troop to be able to go to Space Camp too, but I'm not paying over $10 for a frozen pizza. That's ridiculous.
The Best
Lena's
If you haven't heard me rave about Lena's yet, then you clearly don't know me, and why are you even reading this?
Lena's is the tits. Of course they're another only available in Saint Louis frozen pizza, but this is where I live, so what do you expect? The first time I had Lena's, it was a pepperoni, and it knocked my socks off. The second time, I had sweet heat chicken, and it knocked my socks off. The third time I had the bacon pizza, and it's actual strips of bacon on there. Did you know that? Not bacon bits like some frozen pizzas try to pass off as real bacon. I'm talking actual bacon! I was wearing sandals at the time, but had I been wearing socks, I'm sure they would've been knocked off. Trust me, if you haven't had a Lena's yet, do yourself a favor and go out and buy one. They're the best frozen pizza money can buy.
The complete list
1. Lena's
2. Dogtown
3. Palermo's
4. Luigi Rafaeli's
5. Culinary Circle
6. Mama Lucia's
7. TJ's
8. Jack's
9. Tombstone
10. Red Baron
Sit down restaurants
Third place
Dewey's
A night out at Dewey's is always a good time. They have a plethora of different draft beer selections, and a constantly rotating seasonal pizza menu that always hits the spot. The servers are on their game too. They always seem so cool, but they also know their shit. They can break down the whole menu for you in an instant. They're just so damn hip. It's like they all got hired on at the VIP lounge at a Wilco concert.
Second place
Fratelli's
Fratelli's has been in operation for 35 years, yet I somehow just tried them for the first time last month. I must say, it's fucking great. I mean, it's good. It was tough because everything on the menu looked delish, but I was there specifically to try the pizza. I'm sure everything else is fucking great as well. I know one thing for sure, I'll be back.
The Diamond in the Rough
Francesca's
Tucked away in a run down complex, next door to Church Street Bar and Grill (the dirtest bar in Saint Charles) where every night is convict night and wearing sleeves is optional, lies a little known pizzeria called Francesco's. I've only eaten there once, but I was impressed. It was very good. Way better than I expected. I'm not sure why I expected less though. Remember when you first learned that the dude that played Jimmy from Degrassi was a rapper? You were like, "What, this dude is going to be lame." Then he brought the ruckus. It's kinda the same thing. This guy Francesco knows pizza. That's a life lesson for you right there. Don't judge a pizza by its box.
The Best
Pirrone's
Pirrone's pizza is the best pizza of all pizza. Seriously, it's off the charts. Much like Fratelli's, they have an extensive menu packed with intriguing items, but the pizza is so fucking good, you don't even want to risk trying something else. I give Pirrone's a solid 10 out of 10. They are the bee's pajamas and the cat's knees.
The complete list
1. Pirrone's
2. Fratelli's
3. Dewey's
4. Francesco's
5. Erio's
So there you have it. Hopefully you learned something. Just remember that no matter how much life brings you down, keep on truckin' and take it slice by slice
Fin
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