The Self-Checkout Experience...

A few weeks ago I was at Fazzoli's stuffing my face with Twice-baked Lasagna, and gorging on bread sticks. I noticed an elderly man by the soda fountain with a perplexed look on his face. It was clear that he didn't quite understand the complexities of the revolutionary machine. It was one of those new high-tech soda fountains that sort of resemble ATM'S. They're completely touchscreen, and hold three, maybe four times as many selections as the traditional soda fountain. This old man had no clue how to use it. He started smacking the side of it, like it was an old analog television with a rabbit ears antenna, and after three or four good smacks he simply gave up. Defeated and discombobulated, he set his cup down and proceeded to the dining area. A Fazzoli's employee took notice to his dilemma, and came out to remedy the situation. He showed the old man how to use the futuristic contraption, and thanks to him the old man enjoyed an ice cold glass of Diet Coke that day.

I know what you're thinking. Why didn't I offer to help? Well, if I hadn't been in the midst of temporary bread stick induced paralysis, I would have. Instead I just sat there wondering when that’ll happen to me, and what innovation it would be. That old man was about to eat a meal with no beverage, because that seemed like an easier option to him. I'm not even insulting his intelligence, there is only so much gadget development that one person can handle in their lifetime. This guy probably had his mind blown by color TV at one point. Low definition TV. Not the High-Definition that we all take for granted, and have streaming live on our Smart Phones. Technology has advanced at a rapid rate in my lifetime alone. I can only imagine how it will be in thirty years.

Personally, I’ve been patiently waiting for jet-packs to make an emergence onto everyday consumer reports. How cool would it be to have a jet-pack? You’d be flying around the city getting a sweet-ass aerial view. You could travel 10 times faster than with a car. Heck, you could even shit on birds. Oh, birds you have no idea, how sweet that revenge would be. Then again, when I think about it, there is absolutely no way that we as a species are prepared for such an extraordinary innovation.  People just aren’t ready for it. A person could be, but people collectively as a society, couldn’t be further away from being intelligent enough to handle a jet-pack. If anybody disagrees, then I challenge them to go to any store with a self-checkout machine, and simply observe people for twenty minutes or so. I can guarantee you that you leave there feeling like a member of Mensa.

Self-checkout machines are actually quite convenient when used properly. If you only have a few items, it’s nice to not have to wait in a long line, and be able to get in and out faster. The problem is that people try to use the machines, when they have an entire cart full of groceries. Even if there is a “10 item or less” rule, you'll have people trying to get by with more, because that’s just the type of shady shit, some people do. Every time I’m in an express lane I find myself counting other people’s items, thinking to myself, “You son of a bitch! Last time I checked 13 is more than 10. Some people just want to see the world burn.

I had the unfortunate pleasure of working a few hours as the self-checkout attendant, at a prominent wholesale retailer, of which I may, or may not currently be employed with.  To say that this task was mind numbingly painful would be an understatement. It was a Monday, so business was slow. A lady approached self-check with at least 40 items in her basket. Why she didn’t just wait in the short lines at the cashiered registers is beyond me, and that is exactly the kind of questionable decision making, that should’ve alerted me to the fact that this lady was going to be unpleasant the entire duration of the transaction. After spending 6 minutes, digging in her purse for her membership card, she was ready to roll, with just one exception. She had no idea what to do with her card. You’re supposed to just wave it at the scanner and after a few seconds, the machine authorizes your membership, and allows you to start scanning. I attempted to explain this to the lady, but instead of immediately understanding like a normal person, she just stood there with a confused look on her face, like I asked her a question about Quantum Physics. I then took her card out of her hand, and scanned it for her, before stepping back while hoping the second half of the process would go smoothly. I was wrong. The lady flipped over a box of Cheerios at least 9 times, before spotting the bar code, and after scanning she placed it on the belt along with her purse. So naturally the purse threw off the weight, and the conveyor belt rejected the scan, as it couldn’t identify the item. Again, I tried to explain how the machine worked to the lady, but my efforts were futile. I may as well have been giving instructions in Spanish, to a Chimpanzee, with Down syndrome. Seconds after receiving an explanation about the scale and how each item must be weighed, what does she do? She scans a package of lunch meat and instead of gently placing it down,  carelessly tosses it on the belt so that it’s half on the belt, and half on the ledge of the register, once again throwing off the weight. After helping her with both of those items, I had to go check on a member using a different machine. He was shouting, “Scan card!” at the register like it was voice-activated or something.

“How did this guy even get here?” I thought to myself. 

There really should be some type of IQ test administered to anyone attempting to use the machines. It doesn't even have to be a thorough examination of one's intellect. It could just be, to make someone complete one of those toys with the shape cut-outs that toddlers play with.

Just like this one

If you're attempting to shove the square peg into the round hole, then No, you shouldn't attempt to operate this machine. In fact, what are you even doing here? You should probably only shop at Wal-Mart after 10pm. Trust me, you'll fit in just fine there. They'll probably wind up hiring you too.

After a brief 10 second encounter with the stupid guy, I return to the difficult lady, only to see her glaring at me. At this point she was visibly perturbed, and was motioning towards her wrist, even though she wasn’t wearing a watch, seemingly to make the statement that her time was more valuable than mine. I'm sure this was true, as she was likely late for her session at the Sylvan Learning Center, and today was the day she was to learn how to conjugate verbs.  She was attempting to scan a two-pack of peanut butter and was having difficulty because there was more than one bar code, and she was scanning the wrong one. I politely pointed this out to her, but instead of a gracious thank you, I received a condescending, “Well, that maked a lot of sense.”
 

That’s pretty much how the next 5 minutes of my life played out, with her failing in every way imaginable, and me cringing every time she scanned an item. Once she finally completed her order, she turned to me with a handful of money, while asking how to pay. The self-checkouts are credit/debit only. We have signs on every register to notify our members of this, and along with my reminder before I even scanned her card, you would’ve thought that she knew by now about our policy. Nope. I broke the news to her as delicately as possible, but by then it was too late. Her frustration had already transformed into full blown rage. Her face turned all red and her nostrils were flaring like that one dinosaur from Jurassic park, right before it spit the poison in Newman’s face.

So, that's the Self-Checkout experience. It's not challenging work by any means, unless of course, you count the challenge, of holding onto any shred of faith in humanity you may have.  I mean, who's to blame for this? The school systems? Obama? Perhaps we just have too many stupid people breeding. Working in retail, really makes it easy to be pro-choice. I don't know about you, but once a day, I encounter somebody so stupid, I contemplate driving out to a trailer park and kicking a pregnant woman in the stomach. 

News has since come down from the higher-ups, that the Self-Checkout machines at the establishment, I may or may not work at, will soon be removed. This news brought forth a whirlwind of emotions for me. First, it was unbridled enthusiasm, but eventually turned into massive disappointment. As thrilled as I was to hear of the Self-Checkout's demise, I still found the news a little unnerving. Here I am envisaging jet-packs, and the public can't even handle Self-Checkout machines. 

The old man at Fazzoli’s was one thing, but these turds that failed at self-checkout were another. Techno-illiteracy isn’t age discriminatory, and that’s the one thing, if anything that I learned from the self-check fiasco. I guess everybody has their moment, when they realize they’re no longer in touch with the times. I just find it sad how quickly some people meet theirs. I know mine will come eventually. It probably won’t be anytime soon, but one day maybe 20 years from now it could happen.

 I can see it now. I'll order a pizza and the delivery guy pops out of my Floating LED 4D screen that is currently cooking Brownies, and somehow also doubles as a vacuum cleaner. Then He'll simply scan my retina, and $12.50 automatically gets debited from my bank account. “What the hell", I'll think to myself, all while blinking at the delivery guy in bewilderment. Then I'll find out that the guy gets tipped by blinks, and I accidentally just tipped him $600. As far-fetched as that seems, I bet that old man never thought he would see the day when Diet Coke is dispensed from a giant computer.