Tipping... Don't be a dick

Bill Gates made $400 in the time it took you to read this sentence. I know. I know. Settle down, you're not alone. The bad news is, that you'll never have Bill Gates money, ever. The good news is, that neither will 99.9% of the world. Most people have to budget, and make sacrifices in order to sustain their means of living. If you're lucky, you can go a whole year without once canceling your Netflix subscription, or opting for generic store brand cereal in order to pay utilities.

Silly Kangaroo. Fruit Kickers are for...Wait! What the hell!

There's a noble thing to be said about the middle class. Sure, we're not sailing on our yachts, while sipping on extravagant wines, and eating decadent, rich chocolate, Milano cookies, but we're not taking handouts either. We wake up every day and get on the grind. It doesn't matter if you're a construction worker, or a bank teller, or even a baker, we're all just trying to get a piece of the pie.

Now imagine for a second, somebody single-handedly ruining your pie. That's what it's like for people who work for tips. I could forget to pay my cable bill one month, but that doesn't mean the guy who installed my satellite misses a paycheck. The service industry is the only faction of our workforce that deals with this issue. They provide a service and expect to be compensated accordingly. You don't have to tip your mechanic, but you are expected to tip your waitress.  I didn't make the rules, that's just how it is.

The standard rate is 15%. This means you received adequate service. It wasn't fantastic by any means, but it also wasn't an experience that caused you to create a Yelp account, simply to rant about the bitchy look, your server gave you when you asked for a refill of your Diet Coke. This percentage can fluctuate, depending on your level of satisfaction. If you were blown away by the staff's proficiency, and professionalism, you reserve the right to tip as generously as you want. Likewise, if you viewed your waiter as profoundly incompetent, you may want to give less. There are also cases, when you may not tip at all, but those are extremely rare. That's like when the delivery boy runs over your dog, or the waitress throws up in your Chicken Alfredo.

The problem is that some people decline to tip, not because of bad service, but because of arbitrary reasons, like their bill was higher than they thought, and now they can't afford to tip. Also, some people are just cheap, or don't believe in tipping at all, and that's really not fair. If you don't tip, you're taking that person's piece of pie. They have bills to pay too. You can't take their piece of pie. Unless of course their selling pie by the slice, but that's more of a literal interpretation of the phrase, whereas I was using it figuratively. I'm not talking about dessert pie. I'm also not talking about pizza pie. Although, pizza sure is good. See, it's an idiom, and the "piece of pie" is a metaphor for the distribution of wealth. Everybody wants their cut of the money, just like everybody wants their piece of pie. There, now that I've overly explained myself, I'll break down for you, just who needs to be tipped, and who doesn't.

Hair Dressers.

Yes. They depend on it, so don't be a dick. Unless you walk out of the salon looking like Captain Picard, you're required to give an extra couple of bucks for your cut.

Pizza Delivery Guy.

Yes. Remember you had an option here. You could've placed a carry-out order, but you were too lazy to leave the house. Don't try to justify not tipping by referring to the delivery fee either. That fee goes straight to the gas tank, and most of these guys don't get paid by the hour at all. So, don't be a dick. If you don't want to tip, cook a Digiorno. You don't have to tip for a Digiorno, because it's not delivery. It's Digiorno.

Bathroom Attendants

Fuck No!

Bartenders

Not unless you want to be served more than once

Cab Drivers

Yes. These people are just trying to make a living, and although it may not be the most glamorous occupation, they did just drive your drunk ass home, didn't they? Don't be a dick. Plus if I'm not mistaken, they have to pay for a majority of their gas, and that sucks.

Strippers

Yes, but only if it's humiliating and degrading for them.

Car Wash Attendants

There are plenty of self-serve car washes out there. If you bring it to a place where some guy stands out in the heat, wipes down your car, cleans your windows, and vacuums your car mats, you're going to need to give him a couple of bucks. Don't be a dick.

By now, I think you see the trend here. It's pretty simple really....