Oh, Peter Griffin. You silly goose. How does one forget how to sit in a chair? The absolute absurdity of this scenario, is what makes it hilarious. No way this would ever actually happen to somebody, right? The act of sitting down is natural instinct. You learn to sit before you learn to stand. This clip is an example of a completely implausible sequence, but if you replace the chair with a toilet, it becomes believable. Anyone who's ever worked at a restaurant. or in retail, or a gas station, or even a Kinko's can attest to this. If you could be a fly on the wall of a public restroom, you would likely be there, because it's covered in shit. The amount of people who manage to get shit on the floor and the walls, is alarming. It happens way too much. How can you miss the toilet so badly? I've heard of people hitting 3 walls before. How can you hit 3 walls, yet fail to hit the pot? Are these people just forgetting how to sit down? Perhaps they need a reminder.
I've heard of shit being on the ceiling before. The ceiling!!! That's physically impossible. Unless, I guess, you just kind of grabbed the tops of the stall dividers, and pulled yourself up, then balanced yourself upside-down while scraping your ass across the ceiling. If that's the case, then I give you an A for your gymnastic abilities, and a D for your bathroom etiquette. That's a classless move, bro. You think Nadia Comanechi would ever pull a stunt like that? Doubtful.
I suppose the fact that I work at a place that hands out free samples to everyone, escalates the chances of someone spontaneously combusting into fecal matter, before they get out the door. I really wish that they would just hand out plates of food to people as they walk in, rather than having samples located sporadically throughout the building. That would help alleviate some of the traffic jams that constantly occur at every demo station. Have you ever witnessed grown men and women, lining up for a bite of food, like it was their weekly rations? Practically trampling each other, getting into accidents, with their motorized carts, because they're too fat to walk, all so they can gain access to 1/4 of a sausage patty. It's no wonder our biggest health epidemic is obesity.
One thing is for sure, we all owe a great deal of gratitude to custodians everywhere. They always get stuck with the shit jobs. Problem is, that they're not always around, so sometimes the rest of us have to step up. If you're lucky, you only have to deal with a clogged toilet. By the way, do you have any idea how hard it is to clog up one of these industrial sized, maximum strength, power-flush toilets? You could flush a bowling ball down one of these things. It really makes you wonder, what these people are eating. Is it their poor diets, that also create the urge to throw wadded up paper towels in the urinals, or deface the walls? Who carries a sharpie with them into the bathroom?
A coworker of mine, was recently delegated with the unfortunate task of cleaning up after one of these monstrosities. He reluctantly suited up in full haz-mat gear, and proceeded to slowly enter the disheveled commode. I remember the look on his face right before, he stepped foot into that god awful mess. It was as if he was headed into battle, with a low likelihood of coming back. Upon returning, he appeared to be a different person. Visibly shaken from what he had endured, he for some reason felt compelled to share his experience with me. He went into great detail describing the mess, despite the fact that I begged him not to. He took pictures with his phone, but it was one of those older Iphones with shitty resolution, so the pictures did no justice. He depicted the smell as a mix between burnt pubes, and rotten eggs. He described the texture as soupy. Not a thick soup, but more of a frothy concoction. Think Tomato bisque, only less tomatoey and more pooplike. By the time he was done with his rendering, I felt like I'd be able to pick that poop out of a lineup. If a scenario that strange ever actually presented itself.
Well, it's not number 2. 2 isn't nearly pungent enough. 3 seems to dense, I know! It's number 4! Yes, Yes, I recognize it anywhere.
That was the beginning of the week from custodial hell. Everyday there would be a call for attention to the restroom, and everyday I would nearly have an anxiety attack, that I would be the one to have to clean it. The men's restroom, the women's restroom, even the motorized carts got pooped on. No facility was safe. Eventually I developed an unhealthy fear of public bathrooms altogether. Every time I enter one, I say a silent prayer, hoping to god that I don't walk into a poop catastrophe. It's mind boggling, but again I have to ask, how does this happen? Is it incompetence or incontinence? I mean, there is a reason we call them dumps, and not sprays. If you walk out of the bathroom with poop on your shoe, you're doing it wrong. So, get your act together, it's not that tough. After all, it's as easy as sitting in a chair.
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