4 movies from the 90's that would make no sense today

Home Alone

Long before the age of Amber Alerts, dumbasses Peter and Kate McCallister, hastily rushed through the airport, and barely made their flight, with the only problem being that they accidentally forgot to bring along their least favorite child, Kevin. This movie was released in 1990, but let's pretend it came out this year.....

The McCallisters miss their flight, as they are held up at a security checkpoint, while TSA agents proceed with a full body pat-down on Uncle Frank. The rest of the family wait impatiently in line, with their shoes in hand, then Kevin calls his dad's Iphone, to bitch about the internet being down. Peter freaks, orders Buzz to go pick up his brother, and the Wet Bandits plan to break into Kevin's million dollar house with crowbars, is foiled by the fact that they have a high-tech security system, which is slightly more sophisticated than a nail on the basement steps.


Forrest Gump

A millionaire, Olympic medal winning, purple heart recipient, coming fresh off a 4 year jog, that captivated the nation sits at a public bus stop for hours. and is recognized by no one?  Not only that, but he was sitting there clutching onto a hand written letter from Jenny......

 Nope, wouldn't happen today. Not in the age of social media. First off, Jenny wouldn't have written a letter. Instead she would've simply sent him a tweet. Something along the lines of, OMG Forrest how've u bn. HMU #imdyingpleasecomegetyourkid.

Then while waiting in the hospital for the paternity tests, a couple of hot nurses notice Forrest, and he chats them up, about how he inadvertently invented Facebook, coined the phrase YOLO, excelled in Parkour, and assisted in the capturing of Bin Laden, all while reminding them that life is like a box of organic, gluten-free, low-fat chocolates.

Can't Hardly Wait

Sabrina the Teenage witch throws an epic last day of school party, that turbo nerd, Preston sees as the ideal opportunity to finally expose the fact that he exists to his long time crush Jennifer Love Huge-Tits. Shenanigans ensue, Preston leaves the party, and Huge-Tits finds his love letter to her, but by then, it's too late. She spends an hour trying to figure out who he is, and after more shenanigans, they eventually meet up at a train station..........

Several things with this one. First, she would've used Facebook to discover his identity in seconds. Then sent him a poke, to let him know, that she was interested. Preston then never makes it to the phone booth, to call Barry Manilow, because he has a cell phone, and it's the 21st century. Instead he tweets Chris Brown for relationship advice, and asks how he can sweep her off her feet (double entendre). They hook up later that night, and she gets a red rose, and a black eye. Also, Seth Green and that one chick use their phones to call somebody, and never have their awkward night of passion. He hooks up with that Asian chick, and she stands in the corner by herself all night, because she's a nerd.

Blair Witch Project

3 College kids travel to Maryland, to investigate the existence of the local legend, Blair Witch. After interviewing a few hilarious fisherman, they call it quits, but get lost and wind up camping for a few nights. One dude disappears, the chick suffers from a horrible runny nose,  and within two more days, all three are presumed dead........

So.... As soon as they realize they're lost, they simply use the GPS on their smart phones, and are back to their car in no time. Upset with their lack of quality footage, they CGI some cool, ghoulish like activity into their documentary, and the chick visits CVS, for some Maximum-Strength Mucinex.