Escaping the Cave

Spelunking was never one of our strong-suits. Heck, we had never even attempted it before, but we were an adventurous duo ready for anything at a moment's notice. Him more than I— I was far less spontaneous before we met— now I would follow that man to the ends of the earth. That’s how in love I was with him. His exuberance, his passion, his raw sexual energy just drove me into a frenzy every time I laid eyes on that rock-hard, calendar pin-up quality body of his.

Loving him was easy. He never fought with me, never yelled, never even raised his voice. He was the epitome of refinement. The blueprints for perfection. He was an awe-inspiring human being who drew an immense amount of attention everywhere he went. All the women wanted him, and all the men wanted to be him. But I was the luckiest of all because I got to be with him.

It was rare to see him frazzled, it was even rarer to see him bewildered. What’s the difference between those two adjectives? I haven’t a clue. But for some reason, one seems worse than the other. The point is, seeing him frantically poking and prodding at all those walls in that cave, looking for a way out, shook me to my very core. 

Up until that point, I had never seen him panic. Never, not once. He was always a master of his domain. So, it was a little nerve-wracking seeing him not completely in control. By his estimates, we had a little less than 5 minutes left of oxygen before we would both suffocate and die. “Look for clues!” He screamed at me.

“Clues?” I asked.

“Clue!” He fired back. “There have to be clues somewhere.”

I took a step back and stared at the hieroglyphics on the wall. Surely, there’s a message amongst those images. Too bad I lacked the mental acuity to decipher that code. I’ve never been good at puzzles. “Three minutes!” He screamed.

This wasn’t going to end well. I don’t even know how we wound up in this predicament. My mother tried to warn me, “That man is too wild,” she’d say. “He lives too close to the edge and one of these days he’s going to fall off. Do you really want to be with him when he does?”

She didn’t understand him. She didn’t understand me. Most notably, she didn’t understand love. My parents were never affectionate towards each other. Most of the time, it didn’t even seem like they were husband and wife. They always put off more of a roommate vibe than anything else. I always told myself that wasn’t going to be me. I wasn’t going to live in a loveless marriage. I was going to find someone who made me feel special. Someone who looked at me like I was the only woman on earth. Someone who’d lift me and pin me up against on a wall because they found me so irresistible. “We don’t have any time left!” He shouted as he buried his lips around my neck and ripped apart my blouse.

I moaned in ecstasy. He lifted my skirt and pulled down my panties. “Oh, God!” I shouted out towards the heavens.

If we’re going out, we’re going out in a blaze of glory. He penetrated me deeply, and I swear I saw god. I began reaching toward the light. That’s when I noticed the lights were less heavenly looking and more fluorescent. Suddenly a voice boomed down from the skies, “We’re calling the police,” the voice said authoritatively.

So, you see, Timmy, your grandfather and I are very sorry, but we can’t come to your birthday party. We’ve been banned for life from that particular Escape Room.