Have a perfect day!

The two men walked briskly side by side through the busy grocery store, while one gave instructions to the other.

“So, you see Declan, here at O’Malley’s, we value customer satisfaction over anything else. That’s why our motto is, ‘Have a perfect day!’

We may not have the lowest prices in town or the widest selection of name-brands; we may have what food critics call a subpar bakery, and our deli department may have received a D from the health department, because we may have a slight roach infestation, but what we lack in those areas, we make up for with dynamic customer relations.”

Declan listened intently to the manager, Brent’s, detailed analysis of the store's history and core values.

“Always remember to C.H.E.E.S.E,” Brent explained. “C.H.E.E.S.E stands for Calmness, Honor, Empathy, Encouragement, and Smile Entirely.”

Declan was noticeably confused.

“Listen,” Brent continued. “We may not have the most creative marketing team, and we may center our business around nonsensical acronyms; we may be hemorrhaging money internally and we may be moments away from bankruptcy, but what we lack in all those areas, we make up for with dynamic customer relations.” 

Declan nodded his head in agreement.

“What’s our motto?” Brent asked quizzically.

“Have a perfect day!” Declan proudly answered.

“That’s correct,” Brent said. “And that’s not only our motto, but it’s also store policy.”

The two stopped near the cash registers. “Here’s your post,” Brent said.

Declan was eager to get started. He was in desperate need of a job and was grateful for any opportunity thrown his way. “Watch how it’s done,” Brent said with the confidence of Evil Knievel jumping a single semi-truck.

A middle-aged lady approached the register with a cart full of groceries. Brent greeted her with an enthusiastic, “How’s it going?”

“Pretty good,” the lady answered.

Declan watched in awe as Brett scanned all 37 times with the charisma of a Broadway actor and the pizzazz of a flair bartender. He was fast but considerate. Efficient yet attentive. “Someone’s ready to party!” He said while holding up a bottle of wine. 

The lady laughed. “Oh, you know it!”

 “How do you like them apples?” He joked while pointing to a package of Granny Smiths.

The lady laughed flirtatiously. “You sure are good at this,” She said with a smile.

Brent picked up a block of Brie, “Oh, this. It’s a bries!” He said.

She laughed again, even louder this time.

“Nuttin to it,” he said while holding up a can of Planters peanuts this time. “I’ll have you out of here in a Jiff, he added while scanning peanut butter.

‘Man, he’s killing it,’ Declan thought to himself hoping he could be just as witty when it was his turn.

Brent finished up ringing out the lady, handed her the receipt, and said, “Have a perfect day!”

“Oh, I am!” The lady responded while giving him bedroom eyes.

A voice boomed over the intercom, Brent, we need you in the bakery. There’s another raccoon in the pan washer!

Brent turned to Declan, “I’ve gotta go take care of something,” he said. “Do you think you can handle the register?”

Declan wasn’t sure that the 90 seconds of training he had just received was an adequate amount of experience, but he didn’t want his apprehensiveness to be viewed as weakness. “Sure thing,” he said with equal parts false confidence and trepidation.

“It’s easy,” Brent reassured him before walking to the back of the store.“Just make sure anyone who comes through this line is having a perfect day.”

Declan manned the register and was approached within seconds by a man with a few things in a grocery basket. “Hi, how are you!” Declan asked.

 “Eh,” the man somberly answered. “I’ve been better.”

“Oh, it looks like someone’s ready to party!” Declan declared while drawing attention to a handle of Jack Daniels.

“Party?” The man asked with a puzzled look on his face. “Not quite. I just got laid off from my job.”

Declan was not prepared for that answer and had no idea how to proceed, but he decided that emulating Brent was the only solution. After all, things worked out fine for Brent.

“How do you like them apples?” Declan asked.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” The man sternly replied. “How do I like losing my job? Is that really what you’re asking me?”

Declan appeared confused. Even more noticeably than before. He picked up a block of cheese. “Well, that’s not Gouda.”

“Are you really making cheese puns right now?”

Declan began to sweat. This isn’t working out at all, he thought to himself. In a panic, he picked up the next item, held it up high, turned it towards him, and read the label, “Its all about the— Preparation—H.”

“Could you put that down,” the man said, embarrassed. “What is wrong with you?”

Declan wasn’t the most self-aware, but even he could tell that this customer wasn’t having a perfect day. All he knew was that it was up to him to fix it. He wasn’t about to lose another job. After getting fired from Chic-Fil-A for forgetting to say, ‘My pleasure!’ Declan learned that policies were a big deal. He looked the customer directly in the eye and said as sincerely as possible, “Have a perfect day!”

The customer was aghast. “A perfect day! A perfect day! Are you kidding me right now!” He yelled.

“I’m very sorry, sir. But, it’s store policy.”

“What is store policy?”

“For you to have a perfect day. It’s our policy.”

“You can’t be serious?” 

“I’m as Sirius as satellite radio,” Declan replied, proud of himself for making a pun. “I need you to have a perfect day. It’s our policy.” 

“Are you Fucking kidding me!” The customer screamed.

A group of teenagers nearby whipped out their phones and began recording. “World Star!” One of them obnoxiously shouted.

“What seems to be the problem here, Declan?” Brent asked after reappearing from the bakery with what appeared to be animal scratches all over his neck and face.

“This man won’t have a perfect day,” Declan nervously answered, sure that he’d likely be fired over this confrontation.

“This is so unprofessional,” the customer told Brent. “What kind of shit show are you running..”

Brent interrupted, “I’m sorry, sir, but is this true? Are you not having a perfect day?”

“What do you even care!”

“It’s our policy.”

The customer balled his fists up and began punching the air. Brent whispered into his walkie-talkie, “We need security at register 5.”

“Sir,” Brent implored. “This is your last chance. You need to have a perfect day!”

The customer erupted into laughter. Not cute or funny or infectious laughter, but sinister laughter. The type of laughter Jafar had after he turned Apu into an elephant just to fuck with Aladdin. “Let me tell you something, bud,” The customer started out. “Yesterday, my girlfriend dumped me, today I lost my job, and to top it all off I have a hemorrhoid on my ass the size of a golf ball. So, you’ll have to excuse me, but I’m not gonna have a perfect day. In fact, I’m having one of the worst days of my...“

“What’s the matter, Karen? You’re too good to have a perfect day?” An onlooker taunted. All the bystanders laughed.

The customer took a step back and realized there was now a crowd of about fifty people witnessing his meltdown. “Do any of you see what’s happening here?” He pleaded. “I just want to buy my groceries and get the hell out of here. Can’t a man just have a bad day?”

“Hey man, your bad day is your bad day. Don’t take it out on anyone else,” one onlooker shouted.

“Not cool, man, another one added.

“How about you quit being such a dick and have a perfect day already,” one of the meaner ones suggested.

 The customer broke down in tears.

Brent gave Declan a concerned look. “What should we do now?” He asked.

“How should I know,” Declan answered. “I’ve only worked here for twelve minutes.”

Security arrived and ordered the customer to have a perfect day.

“No!” The customer shouted. “No, absolutely, not!” 

Voices in the viewing pit became louder and more annoyed. Declan froze in fear. Brent did the same. As confident as he seemed 15 minutes ago, he sure seemed unsure of himself now.

“I’ve had enough of this shit!” The customer proclaimed while smashing the bottle of Jack Daniels on the counter and flipping over the candy bar and gum display rack. “Fuck this shit!” He continued while slinging packs of mints at people's throats like they were ninja stars. Finally, in a blaze of glory, he ripped the cash register off the counter and slammed it into the ground. Cash flew everywhere. The crowd went into a frenzy and police ransacked the place at that very moment. The customer was arrested and placed in police custody. 

You probably already read about that. You’ve probably watched the video too. It only happened a few hours ago, but since then, the video has been viewed a million times. People are saying he should serve life in prison. Some are even calling for the death penalty. Others say that’s too harsh of a sentence. One thing everyone agrees on is, that man was NOT having a perfect day.