Frozen pizzas— the cornerstone of the American diet. Whether it’s an after school snack, a late night drunken feast, or simply an easy dinner on a night you don’t feel like cooking— Frozen pizzas always hit the spot.
Based on my estimates, I’ve eaten roughly 10,000 frozen pizzas in my lifetime. And seeing as how I haven’t died yet, I think it’s safe to say that they’re good for you.
But which ones should you buy. The pizza section at the market is vast and intimidating. With so many selections to choose from, it’s easy to have a mental breakdown right there in the freezer department and head to produce for a kale salad instead. Don’t make this mistake. There is a solution. That’s where I come along. Below I have listed all the options you’ll see in the store and rated them appropriately. I have indexed these in Drake order. So we’ll start from the bottom.
Devour
Devour is the official pizza of the UFC. It’s shaped like an octagon and comes in bold calorie-loaded flavors like The Creamy garlic supreme and The Carnivore. I’m honestly surprised it doesn’t come paired with a little bottle of Axe body spray. It’s pretty clear once you bite into one of these things that way more time was spent on the brand’s image than the actual pizza itself. It’s dried out, unseasoned and zest-less. That’s right. It is without zest. They were right about the name though. This pizza was devoured... by my trash can. It’s really not good at all.
Score
2/10
Digiorno
The crust tastes like three-day-old cornbread. Add some bland toppings on top of that and you have yourself a pretty weak pizza. Also, it takes like thirty minutes to cook. So you’ll have plenty of time to contemplate eating something else instead. Maybe you decide to order Dominos. It tastes much better and is just as fast. You know what they say about delivery? At least it’s not Digiorno.
Score
4/10
Home Run inn Pizza
If it was up to me, I’d rename this, Sacrifice Fly pizza.
The crust is flavorless, the sauce is dry, and the toppings are stale. Especially, when considering the price point. They run around $5-$7 depending on where you shop. Which is far too much money for a pizza that has to bunt to get a hit. The only way this pizza is rounding the bases is if it heard Jose Altuve banging on a trash can. It’s bad pizza and it should be ashamed.
Score
5/10
Mama Lucia’s
Mama Lucias are the Cady Herron of pizzas. They’ve been around way longer than most of STL style pizzas. Back in the day, they cost roughly the same as a Jack’s or a Red Baron. But once the other STL style gourmets hit the market with a much higher price point, guess who decided to follow? That’s right, Mama Lucia. All because she was abruptly placed in the same window as Lena’s and Dogtown. Suddenly, she forgot her roots. She forgot her friends, Janis, and Damien. She lost her integrity. She became plastic. Last time I checked, a Mama Lucias costs $6-$7, depending on where you shop. Much to much, for a so-called spring-queen who was very recently a mathlete.
Score
6/10 - Don’t flatter yourself, Mama. You ain’t all that.
Totinos
Totino’s Party Pizzas are nostalgic for me. They’re the closest thing to that square pizza the lunch lady served me in elementary school. Also, it’s delicious. The flaky crust, the diced up pepperonis, the zesty sauce— What’s not to love?
Score
6/10
Tombstone
Tombstone Pizzas are thick and girthy. The kind of pizza you just want to shove down your throat. Sorry for that intense visual. Sometimes I get a little saucy when discussing pizza. Because of it’s size, it’s easy to feed two people with one pizza, which is hard to do. Pair that with the savory flavors and reasonable price point; $4-$6 depending on where you shop, Tombstone is a value pizza with a delightful taste.
Score
7/10
Palermo's is pretty damn good pizza. My personal favorite is the special edition pepperoni. The combination of the center cut and julienne cut pepperonis bring the ruckus to your taste buds like the Wu-Tang Clan at a karate dojo. They also have a chicken alfredo pizza that hits you like a cool breeze on a nice spring day.
Score
7/10
TJ's are a fundraiser pizza. You can randomly find them here and there (Valenti's meat markets sells them) but for the most part, they're only available through fundraising. I'm not going to lie, they're incredible. I love them. I used to buy them all the time, and that's when they were $7 a pop. Then it went up to $8, then $9, and the last time I saw an order form, a pepperoni was $10.50. As good as they are, I have to draw the line somewhere. And I know they're for a fundraiser, but I'm not paying over $10 for a frozen pizza. The thing is, I'd gladly pay for thirty dollars worth of pizza as long as it's reasonably priced. But ten bucks a pop for a TJ's is ridiculous. And as much as I want your little girl's scout troop to be able to go to Space camp, I shouldn't be price gouged in the process.
Score
7.5/10
Red Baron
Red Baron is delicious and affordability priced. They have many different styles.
Thin and crispy and classic crust are two of the main options. Although, I’m not entirely convinced that they’re not the exact same thing. Brick oven style is perhaps their best tasting pizza. The crispy crust embraces your taste buds with each mouthwatering bite. It’s tangy and delectable. If you’re looking for something different. Try Red Baron’s French bread pizza. It’s crunchy, it’s savory, and it’s guaranteed to burn the roof of your mouth. But it’s worth it.
Score
8/10
Jack’s
Jack’s has been a mainstay in my freezer for my entire life. You can never go wrong with a Jack’s. I’m actually eating one right now as I type this. They’re the best bang for your buck as far as frozen meals go, and on top of that, they’re delicious. You can get a super tasty, flavorful Jack’s for between $2-$3. If your spending more than $3 for one, you’re shopping at the wrong place. Even Menard’s has them for $2.50 and they’re a freaking hardware store
Score
8/10
Dogtown
The Dogtown hot wing pizza is a sizzling, spicy, succulent slice of goodness. It’s the best frozen buffalo chicken pizza on the market and it’s not even close. The bacon bacon pizza is equally piquant with a pronounced peppery kick. They also make a Tomato basil garlic pizza for when you kind of want to eat healthy, but not really. Regardless of which style you decide on, Dogtown never disappoints.
Score 10/10
Lena’s
Lena’s are the real deal. This pizza is so good, It’ll knock your socks off. Which is primarily why I remove my socks before biting into this sweet delicious pie. Lena’s is so good, it doesn’t even feel like you’re eating frozen pizza. It’s restaurant quality, Grade-A, gourmet pizza. And it’s the best you can buy.
Score
10/10
Well, there you go. Thanks for attending. Please join me next week when I list the best places to buy French fries.
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