So, I had an idea. How would certain movies pan out if the main character was replaced by me. Meaning, they’d still be the same character, same name, same family, same situation,  same marital status, etc... Except instead of the movie version of these people, they’d be replaced by current day me. Sounds ridiculous, right? Whatever. Here we go...

Me as Chuck Noland from Castaway

My contacts dry up and fall out of my eyes on the second day on the island, which basically renders me blind. I then step on a sting-ray while hunting for fish, and die a few hours later in the sand. The movie is 10 minutes long. Wilson never even makes an appearance. 

Me as Jim Halpert from A Quiet Place

I sneeze. Have you ever heard me sneeze? I sneeze once, and the whole family is killed instantly. The movie is 5 minutes long. Also Emily Blunt and I decide not to try for another baby, as it’s not really in the budget. The truck needs to be fixed and all The floorboards need to be replaced, and with the whole end of the world thing going on, we decide to wait. 

Me as Gordon Bombay from The Mighty Ducks

I use my connections to get out of community service and opt to pay a substantial fine instead. I’m a hot shot lawyer, it’s not like I can’t afford it. I then continue litigating, while amassing a fortune of wealth for myself. There’s no way I’m coaching a Pee-wee hockey team. Are you fucking kidding me? Also, I still bang Charlie’s mom. 

Me as Hugh Glass from The Revenant 

As soon as I see the bear, I unbutton my shirt exposing my nipples. The bear bashfully covers his eyes. I call out to him, “It’s OK, big fella.” 

He peeks through his big ole paws, and smiles. I wave to him and motion for him to come forward. He’s reluctant at first, but eventually comes around. He’s nervous. I can tell. Life gets lonely in the woods. I lay down on the ground and run my fingers through the grass in a seductive manner. The bear succumbs to temptation and lays next to me. We lay there all night,  talking, laughing, making growling noises, etc... He falls asleep in my arms. It’s beautiful. It’s also the point when I unsheathe my knife and skin him alive. Bear fur is far more valuable than beaver pelts, and  I’m way smarter than that punk bitch Hugh Glass. 

Me as Jack Dawson from Titanic

I make Rose’s dumb ass scoot over on that floating door so that I don’t get hypothermia and drown. Then we grow old together and she never throws that expensive ass necklace into the ocean for no reason 90 years later. 

Either that or she dumps me before the iceberg even hits, and boards a life boat with Billy Zane, when she sees that the drawing I made of her looks like this

. 

Me as Will Hunting from Good Will Hunting. 

I go to the job interview for MacNeil myself, and take their offer. It’s 5 times more than I’m making now and I wouldn’t have to work construction anymore. Also, I would realize what a great thing I have with Minnie Driver and tell her the truth from the get go, and never make up that bullshit story about having 13 brothers. Lying to a chick you just met for no reason doesn’t sound very wicked smaht.

Me as Juwanna Man from Juwanna man. 

My 14 inch vertical leap and sluggish conditioning make me a liability on defense. Plus, my deep voice and prominent Adam’s apple, confuse no one. All the girls on the team immediately realize that I’m a dude. But it’s 2019, and people are more tolerant now, so they’re cool with it, so they wind up making me team manager. The team still makes it to the finals and they play in the championship in front of several spectators with dozens more watching from home.