A guide to Netflix

If you're like me, it takes you 40 minutes to decide what to watch on Netflix, and sometimes you give up before then and wind up watching Friends reruns on TBS instead. Also if you're like me, the notion of taking on a new series is way too much of a commitment. We're talking weeks, months even, depending on how many seasons there are, and you don't have that kind of time. Actually you probably do, but like me, you act like you don't. I watched a music video on YouTube the other day which led me to watching another music video, then to a news blooper reel, and three hours later, I found myself watching a tutorial on now to make my own guacamole. I don't even like guacamole. That YouTube sidebar has a mind of its own, I'll tell ya... Anyways, like I said, I don't have time to start a new series. You wanna know what I do have time for? A movie. Because even if the movie winds up sucking, You've still only wasted two hours of your life. Unlike when you start a new series and you think season 1 is the greatest contribution to mankind in the history of television, but by season 3, you realize you fucking hate it, and you just wasted the entire month of May Thanks a lot Homeland! 

Look, we're in the middle of a heat wave. It's hot as balls out. And sitting inside in the air conditioning watching Netflix should be the ideal environment for everyone right now, so please allow me to make some reccomondations, as I understand how hard it is to make a decision. First of all, the best way to search for a decent Netflix movie is to search by category. Don't just sign on and allow Netflix to tell you what to watch because you recently watched Moana. Like, look Netflix, the kid's finally asleep. I'd like to finally watch something other than Moana for a change. Wouldn't you? So here's a list of some movies worth watching, currently available on Netflix that you've probably never heard of. 

No Escape

An action movie starring Owen Wilson? Yeah I know  how it sounds. And please disregard the low rating on Rotten Tomatos. They clearly fucked this one up. No escape is as stressful a viewing experience as it gets. And that's a good thing. It doesn't let up for even a second. From start to finish, it's a heart pounding, action packed, exhilarating movie and I give it a hard 7 out of 7. For sure watch this movie .

Shimmer Lake

A dark comedy bank heist movie told in reverse starring Rain Wilson (Dwight from The Office) do I even need to go on? It doesn't matter, because I'm not going to. This Netflix original will knock your socks off. Unless of course, you watch it without socks on.  Which I'd actually reccomend doing, it's pretty annoying losing your socks. 

Nightcrawler

Jake Gyllenhaal plays a crime scene photographer in a movie thats mainly great because Jake Gyllenhall kills it. The guy is a great actor. And this movie is different than any action movie you've ever seen. It's solid. Sharp, fast paced, and entertaining. You won't regret it. 

Kid Cannabis

This movie is based on a true story of this nerdy kid from Idaho who got tired of being a nerd and built his own drug empire, by smuggling marijuana in from Canada. It kind of starts slow, but its definitely worth watching. It does have quite a bit of nudity as well as gratuitous drug use, so if that type of thing offends you, don't watch it. Although, I shouldn't even really have to tell you that, as the word cannabis is literally in the title of the movie. So if it does offend you, it's kind of your own fault for being a dumb ass isn't it? Ron Perlman and John C Mcginley are great in this. 5 out of 7. 

Butter

This movie is strange. But it's also pretty funny. I don't really have anything else to say about it. I watched it like 5 years ago, but noticed today that's it still on Netflix, and unless you specifically searched for it, you'd never even know it existed. Jennifer Garner, Olivia Wilde, Ty Burrell, Hugh Jackman, Ashley Greene, and Rob Corddry star in this movie that's far from marginal. It's Butter. 

Kung Fury

This is either an awesome movie or the stupidest thing you've ever seen in your life. It really depends on your sense of humor. The good news is that it's only a half hour long, and you'll know if it's your cup of tea in the first five minutes, so there's really no risk involved. So... If you like movies where ninja cops travel through time to kill Hitler with the help of dinosaurs, then it's your cup of tea. 

Mean Girls 2

Just kidding. Please don't watch this movie. It's the worst piece of shit ever made in the history of cinema. What an atrocity. No wonder none of the origanal cast members returned for this shit. It was awful. And the girls weren't even that mean. Fuck this movie. The other ones I mentioned, you should watch for sure, but this movie can go jump off a cliff. The plastics are back, no the fuck they're not...