Why would you do this? Less than an hour ago, I was sleeping peacefully on my super comfortable memory foam mattress, I'm not ready to talk to you about how your night went. Oh, you and nine of your girlfriends went out and drank wine, while you all painted a picture of the same tree? That's fantastic. I'm glad you told me that just now. When I write my autobiography, I'll most definitely have a whole chapter dedicated to you telling me that story. Look, most people need some kind of a pick me up in the morning like a cup of coffee, or an energy drink, or a little cocaine. It really depends on the person, I guess. If you're the type of person who just wakes up and is automatically all chipper and upbeat, do everyone else a favor and keep that pep to yourself. No one has the patience for your optimism at such an early hour.
Don't tell me to Smile!
Listen. If someone is not smiling, there's probably a reason for it. It's not like they just forgot to smile. Maybe their grandma just died. Wouldn't you feel like an asshole if that was the case? The most likely scenario though, is that they suffer from "Resting bitch face syndrome"
RBFS is a very common condition. I have it. There are many of us. We don't usually smile. It doesn't mean we're sad,
or upset, or pissed off, or in pain. It's just the way our faces look. Sorry we don't walk around all day smiling like some kind of dumb idiot. Nothing makes me want to smile less, and chop a throat more, than when I'm being told to smile by a random stranger. And if I do manage to muster up a smile, it's only because I'm envisioning bonking you over the head with a large wooden mallet.
Sidenote: Telling me to smile early in the morning will earn you two throat chops
Don't attempt to push your political views on me.
Remember when some people were boycotting Chic-Fil-A because the owner was against gay marriage? Then other people were showing up in droves to support Chic-Fil-A during the protests. The whole thing was ridiculous. Do what you want to do, but don't preach to me one way or the other. For the record,
I'm pro gay marriage and pro chicken. Hitler himself could be the CEO of KFC, but that wouldn't stop me from driving through on my lunch break, and ordering a two piece original. Boycotting every business that doesn't completely align with your views is your perrogative, but don't try to tell someone else that they need to do the same. Personally, I think it's a shame. Let's say you're addicted to two things; Milano cookies, and getting abortions. Then you found out that the president of Pepperidge Farms is Pro-life. That doesn't mean you can't eat Milano cookies anymore, does it? I mean, depriving yourself of one of life's simple pleasures based on arbitrary reasons is such an irrational decision to make. Life is short. Do what makes you happy. Or don't, I'm not telling you what to do.
But if it was me, in your position, I'd be eating the shit out of Milano cookies and doing what those aborted baby fetuses never had a chance to do. #Yolo
Don't leave me a voicemail.
A decade ago when texting was becoming more and more prevalent, I fought it. I fought it hard. "This isn't how people should communicate!" I would say. But that was then, and this is now. Phones are more sophisticated now, and unlimited texting comes standard on most packages. Texting now is the only way to live. Actually calling someone on the phone implies that you have a serious matter to discuss. Anything else can be resolved via texting. Don't call me over something minor. Especially when I'm trying to watch funny cat videos on YouTube, and my video has to be paused for ten seconds, while I'm waiting for my phone to stop ringing. The only thing worse, is when my voicemail notification goes off. Now, I have to stop what I'm doing and check your dumb ass message, when 99% of the time, it's just you telling me to call you back. Well, obviously I need to call you back, because apparently you need to talk to me. Otherwise you wouldn't have called me. What are you calling me for anyway? What could possibly be so important? Are you calling me to ask what I want for dinner? Just text me. Or better yet, just assume I want pizza, because I do. I always do. We don't need a phone call to confirm this.
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