Drunk on America: A drunken review of American Patriot Beer

Nowadays finding a true American made beer is a rather difficult task, and unless you want to be a pretentious ass-munch and order a Sam Adams, your options are pretty limited. I've recently heard of this new beer called "American Patriot". American Patriot is brewed by the All-American Beer Company..... Fuck Yeah, Merica. I went to Quik-trip a few hours ago and bought two six-packs of American Patriot, that I paid for with a Quik-Trip Gift Card that I forgot I had until that very moment. Leaving that store with 12 beers that I didn't have to pay for made me feel like a boss, and I walked out of that bitch with a pep in my step.





I walked out of Quik-Trip like this

I cracked open my first Patriot, and took a big sip. The hoppy effervescent aroma sailed through my nostrils, as I swirled the malted barley and hops around in my mouth thoroughly enjoying every milli-second of consumption. I exhaled with a refreshing "Aahhhhhhhhh". It's so good once it touches your lips. It's a full-flavored beer loaded with hops so large it could dunk on a 12 foot rim. It invigorates your thirst and leaves your taste buds as wet as your Grandma's seat at a Harry Connick Jr concert. After two or three you start to feel the patriotism. It's like you're drinking that one Kenny Loggins song, "Highway to the Danger Zone". The more you drink the more patriotic you feel.

 

 

If this beer was a car, it would be a Cadillac

If this beer was an athlete, it would be Babe Ruth

If this beer was a novelty gift, if would be an American flag embroidered Snuggie with a holster

After 7 or 8 Patriots, you're feeling pretty tough. I know this because when I stood up, I stubbed my toe and instead of my normal high-pitched scream, I let out a deep Metallica-like "Heyaagghhh".

If this beer was a movie, it would be Die Hard
If this beer was a set of Boobs, they would be Triple-D's
If this beer was a baby, it would be like if Mark Twain and the Statue of Liberty had a baby, and then (1996) Pamela Anderson and The Macho Man Randy Savage had a baby, and then those two babies had a baby.


The rich grainy flavor of American Patriot completely encapsulates all that is bad-ass. After 10 or 11 beers, you're feeling pretty boss. At this point you could say anything to anyone and not give a shit. Unless, you said something stupid to them like the traditional, "Your Mom", and then it turns out that their mom is dead, and you look like an asshole.

If this beer was a clothing line, it would be Wrangler
If this beer was a cartoon, it would be Marmaduke
If this beer was an episode of Fresh Prince, it would be the one where Will and Carlton lose all their money in Vegas, and then enter and win a talent contest in order to make it back home.

By the 12th American Patriot, you might find it increasingly difficult to be grammatically corrrect. Hopefully you have spellchech, otherwise, Fuck it.

If this beer was a bunny rabbit, it would be Thumper
If this beer was Samuel L Jackson, it would be Samuel L Jackson, from Pulp Fiction.
If this beer was a turkey sandwich, it would be a good-ass fucking turkey sandwich.

                            I don't know, maybe I'm just different, but I like this beer.